We watched the X-Files Movie very recently and were treated to two surprises that we normally only experience during bad movies (Lost World, Batman and Robin, Waterworld, etc.). This involved the use of the tired plot device and character known as the Movie Lemming.
Without giving away too much, the first incident involved two firemen going down into a deep hole (actually a cave) to rescue a boy who had fallen into it. The fire chief is shouting orders and finally gets around to checking on their status on his walkie talkie. Failing to get a response, he yells for two more fireman to go down the hole. Four fireman later, the movie gets underway. Sound familiar?
Here's the second scenario. Scientist Lemming goes to check on a body. The body has been disturbed. In fact, it looks like something had ripped its way out of the body. Then, he hears a noise and sees something. He calls up to his other scientist friends and says "I need you down here." We started laughing like crazy. What happened? Use your imagination. (Again, without giving away too much, his friends were much smarter than he was.)
There have been numerous specials about movie villains and heroes and heroines and sidekicks. Sure, without them, you wouldn't have anyone to see the plot through to the end. But where would the movie be without the Movie Lemming? If it wasn't for these evolutionary dead ends (literally), villains would have nothing to make them look evil and nasty, heroes would have no one to save or mourn over, the audience wouldn't have a body count to keep them awake at night, and bad movies would lack that element of comic relief that they need to be entertaining (and they need all the help they can get, having been failed by the writer, the director, the actors, the editor, the producers...). None of these would be possible without the clueless, incredibly optimistic, unobservant, and bountiful Lemmings who march right off the cliff and into the ocean for our viewing pleasure.
By now, you should all be nodding your heads and maybe smiling. You know the character type. If not, here are some quotes that may refresh your memory (note that these are approximate quotes (well, approximate, meaning what we really want to hear them say)).
Movie Lemmings, unlike their more sensible animal counterparts (who are really driven into the ocean by population pressure as opposed to bad writing), don't always die in large groups but they always manage to leave common sense and self preservation behind. For example, in Starship Troopers and the last Godzilla movie, we saw many soldiers get splattered. This is an acceptable outcome. Those characters are not in the movie to provide dramatic tension, to symbolize something deep and significant about the human species, or even to give us a sense of pathos or catharsis that a good story is supposed to provide the audience. They're there to give the male 15-40 year old crowd something to "ooh" and "ah" about. In chick flicks, it's the unrequited love, the romantic entanglements, and the gooshy dialogue that keeps that demographic happy. In action/horror/sci-fi films, it's the body count. Fine. But given a gun and the choice between being 500 yards away from a large monster that can't shoot back as opposed to 2 yards, which would you choose? If you're a soldier in these movies, you prefer the 2 yard range because you can die more impressively and with better visuals. How about Lost World, that horrible sequel to Jurassic Park? A mercenary soldier decides to go take a leak far away from the group (possibly because he has some anxieties about the length of his penis and doesn't want to be ridiculed by his comrades) even though he's in a jungle that has been *proven* to have dangerous dinosaurs (heck, he's captured some of them). Guess what happens to him. As far as I can tell, his only purpose was to get eaten by compys (I mean, this was a long scene - 5-7 minutes - an eternity when you're watching this horrible movie). I don't even know if he advanced the plot at all before he got eaten. I guess the rule in "Lost World" was that no special effect shall go unused, no dinosaur, unrepresented, no stupid gimmick, unexploited. If you don't believe me, check out the Gymkata scene halfway through the movie - girl takes out velociraptor with parallel bar technique - how many millions did they spend on this movie and did any of it go to a writer (besides #$%@#*$ Crichton)?
But never mind the hardened Professional Killer Lemmings who get munched,
their purpose is to make the hero seem much cooler than he/she should be.
"See. These trained people couldn't beat <insert villain>. How're
you going to do it.?" How about the vast array of other Movie Lemming
types? Like Redneck Lemming? How many times have you seen Joe
Bob and Billy Bob, inebriated and foolhardy, get toasted by something clearly
menacing, dangerous looking, and observably lethal. Or Cheerleader
Lemming? Or Teen Lemming (of which Cheerleader Lemming is a subspecies)
who always chooses the most isolated, dark, creepy, and dangerous place
to make out? There are Scientist Lemmings, Government Agent Lemmings
(see Predator 2), Law Enforcement Lemmings (see almost anything with Law
Enforcement people), Martial Artist Lemmings (see almost anything with
Martial Arts), Parent Lemmings, Senior Citizen Lemmings, Janitor Lemmings,
Technician Lemmings, Nerd Lemmings (my favorite because they demonstrate
how education doesn't teach you everything), Kiddie Lemmings, Love Interest
Lemmings (See City of Angels with Cage and Ryan) and Pet Lemmings (we're
a little more forgiving of kids and pets not knowing that they're about
to become dinner). But it's not just the humans, it's often the monsters.
How many times have you seen wave after wave of aliens, both intelligent
and not, get mowed down as they advance against the protagonists.
Of course, they've also been endowed with Lemming-like qualities.
It's almost a requirement. We never get to hear alien dialogue but
wouldn't you want to hear the following from the Alien Lemmings just to
hear the rationale behind this suicidal behavior:
How they lasted long enough on their own planets to achieve spaceflight
is a mystery to me.
As another blockbuster- and Lemming-packed summer wears on and scores of Hollywood writers pat themselves on the backs for torturing us with another set of expensive and worthless movies, we (and all those extras and stuntmen) should all toast (with drinks) the very important Lemming. Without the Movie Lemming, we'd have to rely on the plot, the acting, and the cinematography to entertain us and we'd also have to start thinking. Where would the fun in that be?
