Movie Review: Blade 2 (2002)

by Idris Hsi - Mar 24, 2002

<rant>

First, in Dennis Miller fashion, we start off with a rant against parents who bring in underage children into any movie involving loud pounding music, explosions, violent bloodbaths, and horrible monsters. Our general rule for seeing animated family films is to go a week or so after the opening and late in the evening to minimize the buzz and crying that we normally hear from children too young to be there or who aren't old enough to sit still for 90 minutes. We never expected kids in a 10:20 pm Saturday showing of Blade 2 (or in a showing of Resident Evil the week before). During the few quiet moments in the movie, we kept hearing kids crying from various parts of the theater. The most persistent sounds came from a baby in the bottom right corner and continued long after a lot of the other crying had stopped for whatever reason. Finally, I went down to this corner and discovered an African-American girl who might have been 17 holding what had to be a 6-7 month old. I couldn't believe that I was looking at a media stereotype (but I don't get out much these days). She saw me and said, unapologetically, "Is this sh*t bothering you?" I said it was, told her to leave, said that she shouldn't be bringing a baby into this kind of movie, and received numerous insults and a death threat in the process from this responsible parent as she left the theater. After the movie, as we were leaving the theater, I saw no less than 3 other children under 5 with their parents.

I understand that parents can get stir-crazy and will want to get out of the house. But taking a kid to Blade 2, a vampire movie with the same level of violence and horror as Aliens has got to be a parenting decision bordering on abuse. I remember having nightmares from watching those stupid home safety films from when I was in 4th and 5th grade. Of course, to this day, I at least know not to play near electrical wires or to try to make it to the front door during a fire so the traumatizing film did serve its purpose. I can't imagine the effect that Blade 2 would have on a child less than 5 and even my deranged mind can't construct a good convoluted rationale for a developmental or educational benefit that a horror/action movie would have on a baby. Of course, a bad rationale is that seeing Blade 2 at the age of 1 would be a good desensitizing and training experience if you're planning on raising your child to hunt the undead as a career. These parents brought their kids to the theater because they wanted to get out and see this movie and couldn't find a babysitter. I wish there was such a thing as a Parenting Police that walked around giving out citations or making arrests for utterly stupid and child-damaging parent behavior. Even better but extremely elitist would be to require anyone thinking of becoming a parent to meet a certain set of requirements before allowing them to reproduce; one of these requirements should be "Willing to sacrifice personal pleasure for the sake of my child."

Anyhow, I know that given my really limited audience that I'm preaching to the choir but I just had to get that thought out of my head as it's basically irrelevant to my thesis work.

</rant>

Blade 2 reunites us with Wesley Snipes as Blade, the vampire born of a human being with all of the benefits of being a vampire with none of the disadvantages. The movie opens with Blade trying to track down his mentor, Whistler (Kris Kristofferson), last seen dying of the vampiric virus in Blade but magically resurrected using the mystical powers possessed by The Sequel. After a brief segue where a bunch of vampires get the tables turned on them by a ghoulish figure, Blade is approached by two members of the Vampire Nation's Inner Circle. One of them is Nyssa (Leonor Varela) who also happens to be the daughter of the Grand Head Hickey-producer himself, Nomak (Luke Goss). It turns out that the virus that causes vampirism has mutated and has produced an alternate species of vampire called Reapers. The Reapers are nastier and hungrier than the vampires and in a funny twist, a bite from a Reaper turns a vampire into a Reaper. The vampires are now the hunted and want Blade to lead their elite combat unit (originally trained to kill Blade, ironically enough) to eliminate them. Blade agrees, not only to stop the Reapers who pose a threat to humanity, but to learn the inner secrets of the Vampire Nation.

We enjoyed this movie a lot. This movie is very slick in presentation and implementation. The martial arts choreography is very sharp and manages to sneak in a couple wrestling moves that are funny to watch when they happen. We get some competent acting performances from the principals including Ron Perlman as Reinhardt, Blade's foil. The music helps set the mood. There are one or two problems with the CGI but the special effects are mostly good. What makes this movie work is it doesn't aspire to be fancier than it needs to be and keeps the plot and dialogue comic-book simple. The Rule of One only had to be invoked once, as it should be. The only touchy bit was the development of the love between Blade and Nyssa which seemed abrupt given the timeline of the story. But this is a minor flaw.

We give Blade 2 a 6 out of 10 on the Good Movie Scale and a 7 out of 10 on the Bad Movie Scale. It's a nice example of the action/horror genre and you'll get your money's worth if you're simply looking to be entertained by an adrenaline-piece. We don't recommend this movie for children under the age of 12. There's a heck of a lot of blood and gore in this one. There's at least one charnel house scene, lots of people getting eaten, and vampires dissecting each other for fun. We do recommend this movie for idiot parents out there who want their son or daughter to join the hot field of vampire hunting and want them to have an advantage when applying for a scholarship at a Division 1 school. For these people, we also recommend that they subject their children to repeated showings of John Carpenter's Vampires, From Dusk til Dawn, and Blade combined with a sustained diet of garlic-flavored popcorn.

Our Drive-In Totals:

0 breasts. Again. (Maybe we'll have more luck in Friday the 13th, part 10 - "Jason in Space")
145 dead Walker County style bodies
52 dead Human bodies
93.1 dead Vampire bodies
79 dead Reaper bodies
1 dead Lawyer body
5638 rounds of ammo
1 Infrared Vampire Glyph
A Bloody Mary
A Blood Bank
A Blood Bath
Spinal Tap
The Powerpuff Girls
Light = wave? = particle? Answer: Fog-like substance that turns corners
The People's Elbow
The Enemy of my Enemy is also my Enemy
Undead Fireworks
2 Secret, Impenetrable Hideouts

Kung Fu
Gun Fu
Sword Fu
Knife Fu
Garrote Fu
Hypodermic Fu
Stake Fu
Garlic Fu
Pheromone Fu
Bomb Fu
Fire Fu
Kung Fang
UV Fu
Tazer Fu
Cattle Prod Fu
Sledgehammer Fu
Spotlight Fu
Sunlight Fu
Piledriver Fu
Wall Fu
Floor Fu
Reverse Elbow Fu
Knee Drop Fu

Good Movie Scale: 6
Bad Movie Scale: 7