The first possibility is that we're going to behave like the typical movie critic reviewing a genre-heavy movie and that we didn't really "get it". We saw this quite a bit with X-Men. Reviewers who knew the X-Men mythology liked it. Reviewers who didn't panned it.
Those of us who saw this movie have played D&D. Some of us have played for years. Some of us started with the blue-boxed Basic set that spawned an industry and an entire subculture. We've done the whole range of fantasy role-playing and we understand the nostalgia that surrounds the mythology and gaming system that is Dungeons and Dragons. We followed all the little references and throwaway comments and scenes, looked for familiar fantasy elements, and laughed ourselves silly when the name of a spell came up or when a familiar piece of equipment or monster appeared. We definitely "get it". This is not why we did not like the movie.
The second possibility, and the correct one, is that the movie is just plain bad.
The land of Izmer is a land divided, commoners are ruled by Mages, who, the opening voice-over luckily tells us, are powerful magic users and not Freemasons or lawyers or something. The Empress, a young girl (Thora Birch), wishes all people to be free. The Bad Guy, Profion (Jeremy Irons) would just as soon see her and the Council members that support her deposed and kicked off of the planet. And there's some nonsense about the Empress needing to turn over some powerful staff or else relinquish control and, ah heck, we can't really explain it. It's just another silly plot device.
Meanwhile, a pair of thieves Ridley and Snails, (Justin Whalin and Marlon Wayans) wind up with a "low-level" mage (Zoe McLellan) and somehow a dwarf (Lee Arenberg) in a manner even less believable than the usual, "You're all in the Tavern. One of you has a Map." After meeting, they wind up in the Tavern. With the Map. Then later they pick up an Elf (Kristin Wilson) who somehow bonds with them but we never really figure out why.
There's the Quest.
There are sub-quests.
There's the Villain.
There are supporting villains.
There are little fights in the middle.
There's the big War, with lots of dragons.
We'll hover here for a moment on the dragons. The movie shows us lots of dragons. Pretty cool dragons. CGI dragons. Did we mention the dragons? Good. Because the rest of the movie is dung. But the dragons were pretty cool.
But other than that, we saw no real surprises.
This movie is made using one of the simpler Hollywood formulas: Low-bidder script, cast of nobodies, generic plot, and one real actor who really should have known better. The formula usually works out better than this. The quality of the acting was somewhere between "Third Grade Recital" and "Quarterback On the Ground Trying to Draw a Roughing Flag." The quality of the screenplay was at the level of an Archie comic book. The funny moments came from watching Jeremy Irons use every single little gram of his tremendous acting talent to salvage even the dinkiest bit of nuance from the script. To say that he was melodramatic would be like saying that the Middle East experienced a little turmoil over the centuries.
The soundtrack was ripped directly from Baldur's Gate. Costuming could have used some work-- or, at least, some non-Star-Wars costumes. The Empress was quite reminiscent of Queen Amidala. We wondered when Han Solo would show up and ask Ridley to return his clothes. The visuals were pretty good. The city was computer imagery, and lent a somewhat ethereal feel, like you're there, but "there" really isn't there. A good effect for a movie based on a role playing game. The interior sets were largely unremarkable, though a prediction of "8 or so Sets With Fire Used as a Major Decoration" held true.
The other notably good thing about this movie is there was no little short bald dude in red robes calling himself Dungeon Master.
We had a brief discussion after the movie about what could have been done to make this movie more entertaining, or, much harder, a better movie. It lacked the fun-spirited sense of Charlie's Angels, the philosophical depth and introspection of The Matrix, the comic action of a Jackie Chan movie, or even the music and lush (and real) scenery of Conan the Barbarian. First of all, we're not even sure what possessed someone to make a Dungeons and Dragons movie in the first place. We suspect that they were trying to leverage off of the millions of people hooked on Magic: The Addiction but discovered that you can't actually make a movie based off of a card game. The end result of our brief discussion is that they should have left well enough alone and not made the movie in the first place.
If you've been paid to see this movie, have absolutely nothing better to do, or are going to disregard everything that we've said, the ideal way to watch this movie is with a bunch of gamer friends who aren't afraid to groan, complain, and MST-3K at the thing. If you're seeing it after this weekend, you've missed your one chance to get as lucky as we did in the theater -- half filled, all of them gamer geeks like us. All the gamers have now seen it. You're too late. So wait for video. Or wait for it to come to television. The dragons aren't big-screen worth of cool and only take up the last 9 of the last 12 minutes of the movie anyhow.
We give it a 3 on the good movie scale (if we're feeling generous) and a 5 on the bad movie scale. Get together with gamer friends and a +2 Wand of Snide Comment Generation and it's closer to a 7 on the bad.
Our Drive-In Totals:
4 Dead Bodies.
1 BREASTplate - stolen from the costume designers of Batman Forever
Uncountable CGI spell effects
Even more CGI dragons
1 Apple
3 "Be Carefuls"
0 Scenes arguing about party marching order (thankfully)
50' Rope
Hooded Lantern
Lockpicks
Ye olde sage with beard
1 Hero With Anonymous Background Who Hails From The Gutter
1 Useless Female Love Interest Whose Sole Purpose Is To Be Inept
1 Noisy, Talkative, Cowardly Thief with Bad Courage Timing
1 Token, Angry, 90's Dwarf To Supply Comic Relief
1 Token, Mysterious, Tree Hugging Elf To Supply Flat Dialogue
1 Token, Power-Hungry, Bad-Ass Villain With Boring Master Plan
1 Henchman With Menacing Blue Lipstick of Destruction
1 Child-Empress With Mag-Light of Dragon Control
Ye olde Throw the Rock Over There Distraction Technique
Ye olde Bar Fight Distraction Technique
Ye olde Give Me The X or I'll Kill So-And-So Distraction Technique
Ye olde You Said That If I Gave You X That You'd Spare So-And-So Dialogue
Ye olde I Lied Response
Ye olde "He is the One" Plot Device
Ye olde Suck the Info From Brain Plot Device
Ye olde Find Artifact Or Kingdom Falls Plot Device
1 Useless Romantic Subplot involving too many Fu-free minutes
Tom Baker as the Doctor (sans scarf)
1 Styrofoam Dragon's Tooth
Lipstick that lasts as long as your outfit does
8 or so Sets With Fire Used as Major Decoration
9 repetitive CGI generated panoramic zooms of city/tower/landscape
1 I Know This Ship Like The Back Of Me Hand, Cap'n moment
1 Treasure Room
1 Horde of Inept City Guards
1 Theater Groaning In Unison
1 Really Miscast Jeremy Irons Trying Too Hard
4 Blind Beholders
1 Elven +2 Sword of Protect Your Ass Fu
1 Evil +3 Sword of Evil Fu
1 Magic Map Of Jumping Into
1 River of Fire
Direct Thefts from Star Wars, The Mummy, Braveheart, Dragonslayer,
Ladyhawke, Star Trek 3, and Bugs Bunny cartoons
1 Lich. Aww, dangit, it's just a skeleton
2 Overgrown Telepathic Earwigs
1 Late-Delivery Double-Damage Backstab
3 minutes of Sequel lead-in
Kung Fu
Knife, er, Dagger Fu
Balsa Battle Axe Fu
Light Show Fu
Portcullis Fu
Crossbow Fu
Brain Sucker Fu
Magic Entangling Tractor Beam fu
Spring-loaded Spike Fu
Swinging Axes Fu
Flaming Room Fu
Crushing Walls Fu
Crushing Doors Fu
Illusion Fu
Arrow Fu
Claw Fu
Staff Fu
Gauntlet Fu
Breath Fu
Powder Fu
Arbalest Fu
Tower Fu
Torch Fu
Deja Fu
Long Sword +Fu, Defender
Good Movie Scale: 3 out of 10
Bad Movie Scale: 5 out of 10 (7 with +2 Wand of Snide Comments and
a large group of obnoxious
people. It may even get an 8 if drunk but you could
say that about any
movie)
