Movie Review: Hollow Man (2000)

Joel Fuernsinn, August 10, 2000

Some editing provided by Idris Hsi

Hollow Man is a good news/bad news kind of picture. The good news is that it's a movie that ranks near the very top of the bad movie scale, and is guaranteed to have you howling with pained laughter. The bad news is, you have to sit through the painfully boring first half to get to the good stuff.

For the first hour or so of Hollow Man, I sat staring at the screen with what can only be described as total apathy. The story was developed, characters were introduced, special effects happened, and for some reason, I couldn't care less. Part of this may stem from the fact that I had seen most of the effects in trailers and at SIGGRAPH'00 and was jaded from that. But the fact remains that I sat there not caring one wit about what was happening, with one notable exception. I don't know if Kevin Bacon has a thing for public nudity, or if the director has a crush on him or what, but let me just say that you get to see Kevin in all his glory, in multiple light spectrums. Between this movie and Wild Things, there's a veritable cornucopia of Bacon hanging out all over. I refuse to go see another movie starring Bacon, unless I can be assured that he keeps everything tucked in.

Fortunately for me, the second hour of the movie degenerated into a slasher movie of such complete ridiculousness, I couldn't help but be entertained by the glorious badness of it all. Every single aspect of horror movies that is made fun of by Scream etc, happens in the last hour or so. Let's run down our checklist, shall we?

The group is stuck in an inescapable underground lair.
The black person buys it first.
The group splits up.
The group members keep taking off their infrared goggles, which happen to be the only way they can see villain.
The group members leave behind weapons as if they were spreading the plague.
The group exhibits lemming-like behavior more times than I can count.
The group assumes the villain is incapacitated because of 1 blow.
Ebert's Rule of Death is in full effect (side kicks die with a single blow, but main characters require god-like abilities to kill).
Etc. Etc. Etc.

In addition to all that, someone needs to explain to me exactly what is so scary about a naked man. Sure, he's invisible, but unless there was some expository dialogue in the first hour that I daydreamed through (mmm, Izabella Miko, mmm), it's not like he suddenly became the master of the 5 Deadly Venoms style of Kung Fu or acquired Magnus ver Magnussen strength just by becoming invisible. At best, he's a scientist with a crowbar (insert your own Gordon Freeman joke here).

The last 45 minutes almost rise to Starship Troopers quality badness. For those of you who are movie buffs and take some time to think about it, this really won't be surprising. I ask you, who directed this movie? Why, it's none other than our good friend Paul Verhoeven, he of Robocop, Basic Instinct, Showgirls, and, surprise, surprise, Starship Troopers! Let me say for the record, damn, Verhoeven makes some crappy movies.

What it boils down too, is that Hollow Man will definitely be worth watching when it comes out on cable, and you can just catch the last hour. If you are dying to see the special effects now, watch the trailer. But otherwise, just look forward to reveling in the badness.

Our Drive-In Totals:

8 Dead Bodies
1 Dead Dog
1 Dead Rat
3 Breasts (Sadly more than is seen in all of Coyote Ugly. Let me say again, and I can't stress this strongly enough, damn PG-13, damn it all to HELL!)
Apropos of nothing movie intro
Gratuitous Degrees of Kevin Bacon
Gratuitous Sexual Harassment
Scientific Hand Waving (Of course Scotty, it's the pulse phase variance that's the problem!)
MacGuyver'd electromagnet
Meaty Sound Effects
Duct Tape Surgery (Next week on This Old House, how to perform brain surgery with Duct tape and a miter saw.)
Flying Elevator
Kung Fu
Tranquilizer Gun Fu
Ape Fu
Crow Bar Fu
Flame Thrower Fu
Fire Extinguisher Fu
Freezer Fu
Blood Fu
Nitro Fu
Elevator Fu

The first 57 minutes: 3 on the Good Movie Scale and a 3 on the Bad Movie Scale.
The second 57 minutes: 3 on the Good Movie Scale and a 9 on the Bad Movie Scale.