In case you're short on time, here's a brief summary of the review:
We saw the ads on TV, posters on the sides of buses, a huge poster in Times Square, and even the toy promos that are everywhere now. Some fast-food hell probably has an Ape tie-in. We knew it would be bad because it all smacked of an ad agency campaign to salvage a movie using hype-fu working with an ad agency trying to leverage profit through merchandising-fu. In spite of knowing all this, we were still surprised by the breadth and scope of the badness. If you will look above, you'll see that 13 of us sacrificed brain cells to deliver this review. You don't need to follow us into the miserable, tortured abyss that is Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes.
Let's begin by saying if you've heard anything about this movie, seen the 1968 movie, or read the book by Pierre Boulle, you should already know what the movie is about. If you don't, here's the synopsis:
The movie opens by torturing the audience with a long and artsy series of credits, ape faces, and ape symbols that look plagiarized from the Klingon Empire. We then zoom in on a chimpanzee trying to get through a space pod simulator in the first of the movie's awful bait-and-switch scenes. Mark Wahlberg plays Leo Davidson, an astronaut and chimp trainer itching to get some real flying time. It turns out that we are on board the Space Station Oberon that has a whole menagerie of orangutans, chimpanzees, and gorillas that the crew uses as "canaries in a coal mine". These apes are trained to fly 1-person space pods and are sent out on reconnaissance missions to see if it's safe for human beings to follow. Leo's chimp is sent out to investigate a strange, electrical, plot-device laden, cosmic storm and doesn't return. Leo ignores orders and goes out in a space pod of his own to rescue his chimp. Some silly special effects happen, Leo crashes, and our story is kicked into high gear.
We pause for a brief segue and rant with some 1968 and 2001 spoilers which you may want to skip if you're going to see this or, better yet, the original movie and want some hope of being surprised:
Now, we see a lot of bad movies and to give them a slight chance, we have a kind of Rule of One. The Rule of One states that every movie is allowed one major plot device that will go unanswered for the purposes of allowing its basic story to work. For example, in GATTACA, we accept that genetic testing is absolute and nearly foolproof. In The Green Mile, we had to accept that Jon Coffey (Michael Clarke Duncan) had psychic powers. Neither of these movies attempted to use more than their one central premise so they retained good plot continuity. In Planet of the Apes, we were willing to accept that there had to be some reason, however stupid, for the Wahlberg character to crash on some world that had the classic Planet of the Apes framework. But the Rule of One has already been applied to the silly explanation for why apes are used to pilot one-humanoid space pods. Then the Rule of One is abused when Leo goes out into the space equivalent of a hurricane to retrieve a simian canary. Then it's further abused with the stupid time travel plot device. Finally, after all that telegraphing with a space station full of humans and apes, the whole thing begins to fall apart. There's no longer any surprise - a central feature of the original movie - especially once we find that everyone, apes and humans, can speak very clear and lucid English. By the time Leo discovers the origins of the planet, the audience is already way ahead of him and the potential for both surprise or tension is gone and the movie plods towards a tired climax and a terribly cheesy ending.
Worse, this big plot device only generates more little questions throughout the entire movie. Where did the horses come from? Maybe they were being trained to fly spacecraft as well. Why is there a humongous Ape army? We're told that everyone has been around for thousands of years. Why was everyone still at the Bronze Age level of technology? It's revealed that the humans on the space station were killed by the apes. If so then how the heck did whole human tribes come about? How many humans survived to spawn a whole population of human beings and why don't they all have cleft palates and split lips? There are simply too many plot holes and in the absence of plot continuity or logic, we're left with an action flick without good action and a science fiction movie with terrible science and bad fiction.
In short, Planet of the Apes violates the Rule of One badly and it shows.
Anyhow, Leo's now podwrecked on a jungle planet. He's captured by apes and we're given some brief glimpses into this ape society and given some rather poor debates and expositions about why humans should be treated better than they are. The major antagonist, General Thade, is played by Tim Roth with vicious and maniacal enthusiasm. He hates humans. Period. We never find out if he has any other life motivations like starting a family, ruling the world, or maybe making the Ape World Series. All we get through the entire movie is that he *really* hates humans and is willing to send his entire army out to kill one human who seems to be a little different than the rest. We have not one but two love interests. One is a chimpanzee named Ari (Helena Bonham Carter), an ex-girlfriend of General Thade's, who's attracted to Leo for reasons that we never quite figure out - maybe it's an eye-contact thing. The other love interest is a human played by Estella Warren. Her only purpose in the movie seemed to be to show cleavage and to look simultaneously sultry and pouty (which she did well but you could have gotten anyone to play that role). We think that a competing love triangle happened but it's never fully developed. Then there are a whole mess of supporting antagonists and supporting protagonists but they're not really useful or interesting. The only acting of note was the chimpanzee that played the space pod chimpanzee in the opening sequence. We definitely believed that it was a chimpanzee.
The Danny Elfman score was serviceable if a bit relentless and pounding. The visuals were imaginative but not enough to compensate for the Swiss-cheesed plot. The ending...well, let's just say that it ain't no Twilight Zone. There are some funny moments in the picture but these are drive-in funny not intentionally so. The high point of action choreography in this movie is watching actors being catapulted into the air after being hit by an ape - a cheating visual technique that was overused by the Wonder Woman, Six Million Dollar Man, and Bionic Woman TV series and one that should have been left forgotten. And speaking of horrible choreography, this movie delivers probably one of the worst end-duel fight sequences that we have ever seen in any movie. It wastes a very interesting character without allowing the audience any chance for pathos. The movie had very few surprises and the one surprise that it did have was an insulting bait-and-switch that made absolutely no sense.
We think this is almost the most painful thing that we've seen since Dungeons and Dragons and we at least had a +2 Wand of Snide Comments with us for that one. This is a project that should never have been made and it teeters on being been bad-bad instead of bad-mediocre. We give Planet of the Apes a 3 out of 10 on the Good Movie Scale and a 6 out of 10 on the Bad Movie Scale. Save your money to rent the original or, better yet, read the book. You might get more mileage out of watching Battlefield Earth which is not a better Good Movie but certainly a much better Bad Movie.
Our Drive-In Totals:
2 (furry) breasts
38 dead bodies
Ape Hunting Squad
Ape Posse
Ape Light Infantry
Ape Heavy Infantry
Ape Cavalry
Ape Foreplay
Ape-Jitsu
Ape Toupee
Ape Lincoln (This pun is J.D.'s fault.)
Barbie Doll
Ebert's Rule of Death
Chimp Ex Machina
Many Monkeys' Uncles
Man Unclear on Canary in Coal Mine Concept
US Air Force Product Placement
2 1-line tributes to the original movie
2029 Palm Pilot
...with docking cradle...
Ape Potpourri/Deodorant
Slight of Toe
3 Primates with British Accents
Indestructible pods
Indestructible Mothership
1 gratuitous Boob Shot
1 Mandatory "explaining Evolution to Monkeys" comment
1 wave of flying monkeys
1 very public secret escape route
4 ways of mounting a horse
1 Simian Barber
1 Interspecies Kiss (no tongue)
1 Intraspecies Kiss (with tongue)
1 Push-Up Bra
1 Silly, CGI-enhanced Temper Tantrum
Marky Mark is Jesus Christ
Rock Mail Bikini
Orangutan Drug Dealer
Slight of Toe
Alpha... no, Delta... No, Alpha pod!
Wasted Kris Kristofferson Cameo
Uncredited cameo by a certain very-famous member of the NRA
Ye Olde "He Is The One" Plot Device
Ye Olde "The Prophecy Has Come True" Plot Device
Ye Olde "Secret in the Forbidden Zone" Plot Device
Ye Olde "Cosmic Phenomenon Causes Time Travel" Plot Device
Ye Olde "Rolling Clock Dial/Time Travel Detector" Audience Notification
Technique
Ye Olde Moron Kid Who Damn Well Shoulda Died
Ye Olde Moron Hero Who Damn Well Shoulda Died
Ye Olde Moron Antagonist Who Damn Well Shoulda Died
Ye Olde Moron Director Who Damn Well Should Be Shot
Kung Fu
Gun Fu
Knife Fu
Funky Bronze Knife Fu
Rock Fu
River Fu
Sword Fu
Spear Fu
Club Fu
Claw Fu
Fang Fu
Branding Iron Fu
Fire Fu
Horse fu
Ape Fu
Kung Fume
Idris-Slapping-Himself-In-The-Head Fu
Good Movie Scale: 3
Bad Movie Scale: 6
