I loved Star Trek: The Motion Picture when it came out. But I was 10 years old at the time and raised on old Star Trek. I just didn't know any better. When I finally watched it on television, it was a decade later. I remember the starship Enterprise entering the blue cloud that had destroyed space stations and Klingon battle cruisers. Then it cut to commercial at a dramatically appropriate moment. When the movie returned, the Enterprise was still moseying its way through the blue cloud. The crew chatted for a little, then it cut to commercial. Then more blue cloud. Then another commercial break. Guess what was on after the commercial break. Star Trek: TMP was slow, predictable, and boring but it had one thing going for it that U-571 didn't -- the characters were already developed and they were likeable. U-571 reminded me of the Star Trek movie enough that I didn't feel bad about stepping out to get some water and to visit the bathroom. I usually *never* leave a movie in progress. This was pretty bad.
(By the way, let me warn you that I'm about to discuss spoilers and these will give away the major plot points of this *SUBMARINE WAR MOVIE* for you. I think I gave away too much already.)
I left during one of the many scenes when a submarine is getting bombed by depth charges. After the umpteenth splash - "BOOM" - shudder - water leaking combination, I'd decided I could take a break and come back without losing any continuity. If I'd missed anything important, my movie-going friends neglected to tell me. Apparently, I only missed the water level rising by a couple more inches.
But to discuss the movie thoroughly, I need to start from the beginning. When people think of submarine movies, they should think Das Boot (1981) or Hunt for Red October (1990). Das Boot defined the genre. I like Red October (book and movie) because it captured the cerebral game that submariners have to play. There was very little that was cerebral about U-571. The movie opens on a German sub sinking ships in a convoy then falling victim to a destroyer. We're then treated to a random scene where the Captain orders the crew to machine-gun a raft full of helpless sailors. The only thing I can think of for showing us this is that we were starting to feel sympathetic towards the poor German crew and we needed to be reminded that they are the villains. This scene is similar to those where you see villain masterminds shoot their henchmen for small failings. We then cut to America for the clunkiest bit of character development that I've ever seen. Somehow, in the first 8 minutes of meeting the protagonists the screenplay gives away the *entire* movie, including who's going to die. It uses a lot of tired, 1950's war movie plot devices but tries to be different by including some of the more modern "black ops" style stuff from the 90's.
The story, using the term loosely, is initiated by a hunt for the Enigma machine located on a crippled German sub. The plan is to send a sub pretending to be a German resupply sub. There is a funny scene where the crew has taken over the crippled sub and is performing the *last* task of unloading the Enigma machine. Then the totally unexpected happens and the resupply sub arrives to blow up the American sub, forcing the survivors to take over the crippled one. After that, the rest of the movie is about staying alive and the plot devices pop up with clockwork regularity and predictability. The movie ends with a little historical footnote that tells us that the majority of the Enigma machines were really recovered by the British and that the Americans never recovered one until 1944, when the war was coming to a close anyhow.
In short, avoid this movie like the plague. Or go into it knowing that this is a bad movie and heckle the heck out of it. If you're dying to see something related to the movie, then go rent Das Boot for a good submarine movie, or watch Saving Private Ryan for a good war movie, or read Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon for a smart and fun book about the Enigma machines and cryptography.
Our Drive-In Totals
26 Dead bodies
6 characters with KILL ME written all over their faces.
1 raft filled with survivors with SHOOT ME written all over it.
1 super-secret Enigma machine.
1 battleship made out of exploding material.
1 egg = submarine hull example to insult audience intelligence.
1 "you ain't good enough to command" plot device
2 "surprise arrival" plot devices
2 "destroyer vs sub" plot devices
1 "just-married crewman" plot device
1 "captain goes down with ship" plot device
1 "crewman that challenges commander" plot device
1 "super engineer" plot device
1 "sub goes too deep" plot device
1 "takes a lickin' but keeps on tickin'" plot device
1 "captured enemy sabotages boat" plot device
1 "last torpedo" plot device
1 "play dead" plot device
1 "sacrificial crew member" plot device
1 token PC character
Kung Fu
Gun Fu
Knife Fu
Wrench Fu
Artillery Fu
Depth Charge Fu
Torpedo Fu
Good Movie Scale: 3 out of 10
Bad Movie Scale: 6 out of 10
