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Harry Graham

Some of the funniest (and also most horrifying) little verses were written by a person who signed himself Col. D. Streamer. His real name was Harry Graham; he took his pen-name from a regiment to which he belonged: the Coldstream Guards. His Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless homes were quoted with fiendish delight, copied, and immitated throughout the English-speaking world. Graham's most popular quatrain was about a boy called Billy, and the imitations became known as "Little Willies."

from The Golden Book of Fun and Nonsense, Golden Press, NY, 1970.

Billy, in one of his nice, new sashes,

Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashses.
Now, although the room grows chilly,
I haven't the heart to poke up Billy.

     "There's been an accident," they said.
     "Your servant's cut in half. He's dead!"
     "Indeed!" said Mr. Jones. "And please
     Send me the half that's got my keys."

Father heard his children scream,
So he threw them in the stream,
Saying, as he drowned the third,
"Children should be seen, not heard!"

     In the drinking well
     Which the plumber built her,
     Aunt Eliza fell.
     We must buy a filter.

Dr. Jones fell in the well
and died without a moan.
He should have tended to the sick
and left the well alone.

Imitations:

Willie poisoned his father's tea;
Father died in agony
Mother came, and looked quite vexed:
"Really, Will," she said, "what next?!"

     Willie saw some dynamite,
     Couldn't understand it quite;
     Curiosity never pays.
     It rained Willie seven days.

Making toast at the fireside
Nurse fell in the grate and died.
But what makes it ten times worse,
All the toast was burnt with Nurse.

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