MAD ABOUT YOU - EPISODE GUIDE
Paul Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . . Paul Reiser
Jamie Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . Helen Hunt
Lisa Stemple . . . . . . . . . . . . Anne Ramsay
Jay Selby . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tommy Hinkley
Fran Devanow . . . . . . . . . . . . Leila Kenzle
Mark David Devanow . . . . . . . . . Richard Kind
Ira Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . . John Pankow
Murray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Smiley, Maui
Burt Buchman, Paul's father . . . . Louis Zorich
Gus Stemple, Jamie's father . . . . Paul Dooley
Theresa Stemple, Jamie's mother . . Nancy Dussault
Ryan, Fran and Mark's son . . . . . Spencer Klein
Ike, Paul's editor . . . . . . . . . Art Evans
Stacey, Paul's assistant . . . . . . Kerri Green
Connie, Paul's assistant . . . . . . Meagen Fay
Warren, Paul's editor/cameraman . . Steven Wright
Maggie Conway, neighbour in 11-C . . Judy Geeson
Hal Conway, Maggie's husband . . . . Paxton Whitehead
Eddie, the doorman . . . . . . . . . Lou Cutell
The First Season
Paul and Jamie Buchman are Manhattan newlyweds adjusting
to life together. In the series opener, their scheduled
evening alone suddenly goes awry as each assumes the other
had called to cancel their previously scheduled evening
with friends.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Jamie snoring.
Expression: Hello?
Keys:
5 months after the wedding, William Devane or Willem
DaFoe, soup or bisque, forgetting ice in the cab, the
Abbott and Costello of liars, the kitchen table.
Murray's debut (Smiley).
- Paul: "What could you possibly have in your nose I don't have?"
- Jamie: "Will you run the shower and make the coffee? ...
I think I'm pregnant. [Paul sits up]
Just kidding... make the coffee."
- Fran: "Can I help?"
- Paul: "Look, there's always going to be stuff... I put up
with your crap and you put up with my crap."
Jamie: "That's marriage?"
Paul: "This is what I'm thinking!"
For Paul, a couch by any other name is not a couch,
especially if it's a sofa, or worse, a love-seat.
Jamie is determined that their first major purchase
will be by "us," rather than "you" or "me." Dragged
to the department store, Paul manages to hyperventilate.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Jamie switching sides in bed.
Word: Slacks.
Keys:
Measuring tapes and guns, week 3 of the big quest,
big cookies and toasted sandwiches, like ambrosia
(but with cheese), musk in the eye, about saying no,
tea-dipped Irish Linen, gal talk and guy talk, sporting
Cretan briefs or cavorting in stirrups, dressing like a
manic-depressive Psych Professor.
Murray's second debut (Maui).
- Paul: "Come here sweatheart, let me explain something. And
you should really jot this down because this is very
important -- EVERYTHING in the world takes 4 hours..."
- Jamie: "THIS will look good on you."
Fran: "Yah, it'll fit great if I can take my ass off."
- Paul: "You know Mark, this is time you never get back.
I mean there are only X number of Saturdays left and
I'm spending this one, sitting on a love-seat holding
a pocketbook."
Mark: "Got an emory board in there?"
Paul: "I'd like to punch you in the head."
Mark: "I've got this piece of nail..."
Paul: "Bite it off! Be a MAN!"
Guest Characters:
Barry's mother . . . . . . . . . . Estelle Harris
Philip, the salesman . . . . . . . Richard Roat
Saleslady . . . . . . . . . . . . Jodi Carlisle
Sunday, quiet Sunday, with nothing to do except decide
what to do, and do so quickly: see a movie, a parade or
get to the museum. And before others' Sundays intrude.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: From the Sunday paper: Helen Hayes broke her foot.
Word: Wilding.
Keys:
A dream about potato chips and the Weather Channel,
unreliable hands, cassoulet and cumin, gelling or clotting,
Will Rogers' Follies, Ira's band, Fung Wei or Fung you,
the Belgian film festival, Amish quilts, 86 minutes in all,
the Gay Pride parade, the Chelsea 10K race (where Selby
pulls a Rosie Ruiz).
- Lisa: "Who is this guy Kelly and why does he need all
these girls?"
- Jamie: "I used to be out there all the time. I frizzed my
hair, I wore hats, I slept with artists ... once...
commercial. .. still!"
Paul: "... What kind of hats?"
Jamie: "All kinds, big funky hats, little funky hats,
I wore hats!"
Paul: "I've NEVER seen you in a hat."
Jamie: "Ya, I guess those days are gone!"
- Jamie: "Sorry about dinner."
Paul: "It was an effort."
Jamie: "Thank you..."
Paul: "I mean, to eat it, was an effort."
News of his ex-girlfriend fills Paul with excitement,
followed by guilt over the excitement, followed by
blithering idiocy after inviting Jamie to meet her.
Written by: Steve Paymer
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Rushing out of the apartment in the morning.
Keys:
Don Ho, Scorsese and Hitch (who used to be thin),
scurrying squirrels and stalking rats, smelling hair
that flows, wearing cologne, getting one's bearings,
the poor girl's french fries, omelettes and souvlaki.
Riff's makes its debut.
- Selby: "Stace!"
Stacey: "Selb!"
- Jamie: "So who was she?"
Paul: "You've got to know every little thing? If I tell
you everything now, then we can have nothing left
to talk about when we're old."
- Jamie: "You're so blind! She was threatened. C'mon, she
has this thing with you in College, she comes to
meet you for a drink and you bring along your
beautiful wife. What do you think?"
Paul: "I like it how you can soothe me and get in a
plug for yourself."
Supporting Cast: Ike, Stacey
Guest Characters:
Lynne Stoddard . . . . . . . . . . Lisa Edelstein
Audrey (slaps Selby) . . . . . . . Sarah Partridge
Waiter at Riff's . . . . . . . . . Jack Kenny
An unexpectedly long visit by Jamie's parents turns her
into a "raving lunatic," and she bribes her sister to
share the experience. And Lisa delivers.
Written by: Daryl Rowland and Lisa DeBenedictis
Directed by: Paul Lazarus
Tease: Ordering New York style pizza.
Keys:
Peanut and Sweet Pea, finding a great parking spot,
about returning the gravy boat, pate and cheese, water
with a splash of J&B (and a curled lemon-twist), using
a butter-knife, on using a lathe, the 10-minute clog,
Canada's best: bacon, hockey and pipes, Lisa and
Jamie perform the sisters' duet.
Couch/love-seat
(not bought in episode 1.2) shows up.
- Jamie: "Why aren't you wearing the yellow shirt my mom gave you?"
Paul: "Because I like this shirt, and I'm saving the yellow
shirt for when I'm lost at sea."
- Gus: "She's so skinny. You don't have that bulimia thing
again, do you?"
Lisa: "NO! And if I did, which I don't, I wouldn't tell you
because I wouldn't realize it, that's the way it works."
- Jamie: "I'm 30 years old, I'm married, I've a home.
How come my parents can still push all my buttons?"
Paul: "That's easy, they installed 'em."
Supporting Cast: Gus and Theresa Stemple.
Paul's baseball film is rejected by PBS the same day
Jamie snags a major advertising account, turning Jamie's
bash into a defeat party.
Written by: Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease and Tag: Excerpts from Paul's documentary about
the peanut vendor at Yankee Stadium.
Keys:
The House that Ruth (Gordon) built, the rumor that
George Steinbrenner is nice, the Muffin Man song,
Rick the assistant-in-law, the Computron account,
flowers and champagne one way, Maalox and Tylenol
the other way, with Haagen-Daz to go either way,
making crushed ice from scratch, Pretentious Boring
Snobs (PBS) -- "Let 'em keep their lousy tote bag!"
- Mark: "She's a moghul! .. This is so fantastic, I mean the
thing is, that Fran spent 3 years trying to land that
account, 3 years and NOTHING! And then BOOM! Jamie
walks in and BINGO! And the ironic thing is, Jamie
used to be Fran's assistant and..."
Fran: "Schnookie! Get me a drink!"
Mark: [deflated] "What do you feel like?"
Fran: "Anything... just GO!"
- Selby: "There's a gynecologist limboing in your livingroom."
Jamie: "We're celebrating. I got the big account I was
working on."
Selby: "COMPUTRON? [Jamie gives Paul a look] All right! ...
[to Paul] How come you didn't tell me about this?
[to Jamie] How big a bonus are we talking about here?"
- Selby: "We should really go out and celebrate tomorrow."
Lisa: "How about lunch?"
Jamie: "The Russian Tea Room?"
Selby: "I don't want to have tea for lunch."
Lisa: "They have food, Selby, it's a big fancy restaurant."
Selby: "Gotta wear a tie?"
Jamie: "They'll give you one."
Selby: "Cool!"
- Jamie: "When I was single, I got to be happy whenever I was
happy. I guess now I get to be happy only during
that subset of times when you're happy too."
- Vacky: [in the film] "Lou Gehrig's wife came to every game.
He was the luckiest man on the face of the Earth."
Paul: "Nah... second luckiest."
Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow, Ike and Stacey
Guest Character:
Vacky, the vendor . . . . . . . . . Phil Leeds
Paul is suddenly reluctant to use the subway since a former
fellow film school student makes token change at his subway
station, instead of films, and may blame Paul for it.
Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Paul Lazarus
Tease: Paul stacking, arranging, aligning change.
Word: Thwarting.
Keys:
VIP seats with back-tent passes, the clown cavalcade
or geek parade, goat or unicorn, Mark and Murray,
Hunter's Point and South Bronx, track fire, honest
announcements, Raul the supervisor, "Tunnel of Hate,"
English subtitles for the Japanese and Japanese ones
for the English spoken by visiting Japanese businessmen
("We own the show!")
The Buchmans' Wedding song identified as: "Color My World"
- Paul: "These babies are center ring, front row! Y'know, that
doubles your chances of being picked for the train."
Jamie: "We talked about this last time... if you're taller
than the dwarfs, they probably won't pick you."
- Jamie: "Stop acting like a child! Do you want to miss
the circus?" ...
Paul: "Is this a huge thing I'm asking you to do?
Love, honor and buy the tokens?"
Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow
Guest Characters:
Howie Balenger . . . . . . . . . . Steve Buscemi
First Male Passenger . . . . . . . Michael Goldfinger
Woman asking directions . . . . . Elizabeth Norment
A Husband . . . . . . . . . . . . Steven M. Porter
Japanese businessmen . . . . . . . Yoshio Be, Toshi Toda
Planning a Will naturally brings up the subject of Paul's
old bachelor pad, which he is now subletting, but Jamie
would prefer he surrendered the lease to the subletee,
an odd guy named Kramer.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Steve Paymer
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Paul being run over by a bicycle messenger.
Keys:
Pulling the plug, on being cremated or burial at sea,
Power of attorney, the couch for Lisa, dispute over the
stereo, the Florsheim shoebox, the tossed-out jersey,
Bugs kisses interrupted, memories of a microwave clambake,
handing over the lease, cryonics - the big chill.
- Paul: "I don't need an out, I don't want an out, I want in!"
Jamie: "Not tonight!"
- Jamie: "I told you, I'm being cremated. I can't believe you
don't want to come with me."
Paul: "Hey, don't take it personally. I told you I don't want
to die, period!"
Jamie: "So we're breaking up?"
Paul: "I guess so... You're off to the furnace, I'm off to the
freezer."
Guest Characters:
Uncle Jules . . . . . . . . . . . . Al Ruscio
Kramer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Richards
On the trip to Connecticut to spend Thanksgiving with
Jamie's parents, Paul and Jamie are fine, Mark and Fran
start fighting, while Selby and Lisa are just friends.
But on the return journey, everything is the opposite.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tag: Jamie's Cello recital (76 Trombone).
Keys:
The night before Thanksgiving, not riding backwards,
but entirely without Ruth, Mark's sister, Lisa's new
boyfriend (for $50), the Veal Chop story (third date),
Hiawatha's poem, the wishbone, non-invitation to golf,
FedEx'ed turkey and jello, story of the first Thanksgiving.
- Paul: "What was that?"
Jamie: "Nothing. Just told her we needed some private time
since we were going up for your mother's funeral.
Always works."
Paul: "Why is it my mother?"
Jamie: "I don't know, I wanted the leg-room, I had to kill
somebody, she came to mind."
- Conductor: "Have a Hap-py Holi-day!"
Paul: "Easy for you to say."
Conductor: "It's my jo-b..."
Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow
Guest Characters:
Conductor . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Eugene Fairman
Woman passenger . . . . . . . . . Carol Ann Sasi
The Buchmans get off on the wrong foot with their new
neighbours, and each subsequent step to improve their
relations only makes things worse.
Written by: Paul Reiser and Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Dennis Erdman
Tag: Jamie conducting an imaginary conversation
to impress the Conways.
Keys:
Industrial-strength facial, back-tie benefit at the
Aquarium, Lefty the lobster, not dressed for fish,
pineapple topping, pizza pie mixup, teaching diplomacy
in New York, being knocked-out cold, the chapeau of
knickers, 5 excellent cheeses, Opera at the Met,
Murray and Sophie.
Maggie Conway makes her debut.
- Maggie: "We hear you through the walls sometimes."
Jamie: "Oh-my-God!"
Hal: "That's her!"
- Jamie: "How can somebody not like me?"
Paul: "Hey... you're asking the wrong guy."
Jamie: "Play with me..."
Paul: [loudly] "We can't, honey! We have Bastille Day
with Jerry Lewis!"
Guest Characters:
Hal Conway . . . . . . . . . . . . Paxton Whitehead
Maggie Conway . . . . . . . . . . Judy Geeson
The story of "When Jamie met Paul," that begins with a chance
encounter, followed by Paul's hard work to find her and some
fast talking to turn their next meeting into a dinner date.
Written by: Danny Jacobson
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Sunday paper hijacking at West 81st news-stand.
Tag: The Rose Bowl Story, continued.
Keys:
Parents' obituaries, the drycleaning slip, Paul's
10-second date, then the 33-floor search, and on to
the Christmas party at Farrer, Gantz (ostensibly on
Monday, December 23, 1989, but the writers appear to
have consulted the 1991 calendar).
- Jamie: "What did you come here for then?"
Paul: "'Cause I figured you needed your clothes for
the holidays."
Jamie: "That was very considerate."
Paul: "Well, y'know, born and raised in New York!"
- Jamie: "Well, what would you do if you were working and
some woman who walked in with your drycleaning?"
Paul: "I'd say... Ma! Go away."
- Manny: "Jamie! Have you heard my Rose Bowl story?"
Jamie: "Yes, I have! I told it to my family!"
Guest Characters:
Karen (Paul's date) . . . . . . . . Lisa Kudrow
Dana (Selby's date) . . . . . . . . Kathryn Spitz
Lester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David Arnott
Manny Gantz . . . . . . . . . . . . Wayne Tippitt
The Buchmans find their new once-a-week maid a big help,
but she's heart-broken upon learning that her affection
for Mr. Paul isn't reciprocated.
Written by: Daryl Rowland and Lisa DeBenedictis
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Looking for the TV remote control.
Tag: Murray gathering his socks.
Keys:
The vicious cleaning cycle, looking like Wayne
Rogers, looking for a grey sock, tasting fresh boar,
being a gunner in the Soviet Navy, Paul's portrait
and his spot, the Fish-sticks dynasty, fixing the
left shoe, the throaty little catch.
Last show featuring Selby (Tommy Hinkley).
- Paul: "You're unbelievable!"
Jamie: "Just one day a week." [sits down on his lap]
Paul: "Then what was the point of discussing this?"
Jamie: "You're right. That was wrong of me."
[kisses him, then leaves, a long pause]
Paul: "What just happened to me here?"
- Fran: "What are you doing?"
Paul: "Standing... in my apartment... in my spot."
Fran: "You have a spot?"
Jamie: "He loves that spot."
Paul: "Doesn't Mark have a spot?"
Fran: "Not that I know of."
Guest Character:
Masha . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Beata Pozniak
Producer Jamie gets to handpick the director for a new
New York tourism campaign, and picks Paul. How much
togetherness is too much? Jamie soon finds out.
Written by: Steve Paymer
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease and Tag: Playing Monopoly, Jamie's that is.
Ad lib by Paul at the end.
Keys:
I still Love NY campaign: excitement, energy, sizzle
Codewords: logarithm, spittoon, Estes Kefauver and
paramecium,
being called sweetie in front of teamsters,
dragon lady, running out of conversation, talking to
the Time-Life operator, "Gunslingers of The Old West."
- Paul: "We're really going to do this?"
Jamie: "Yup, it's a done deal, as long as you don't screw up
the interview!"
- Jamie: "I missed you this week."
Paul: "We were together every minute."
Jamie: "I know, I didn't have time to think about you...
to miss you... I missed missing you!"
Guest Characters:
Al, the client . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Hardin
The Big Apple . . . . . . . . . . Bill Dunlevy
The Cat . . . . . . . . . . . . . Albert Owens
Stage manager . . . . . . . . . . Ric Edinger
An escape to the countryside doesn't instantly cure Jamie's
blues, but once it does, she's all for staying permanently.
Written by: Daryl Rowland and Lisa DeBendictis
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Oneupsmanship in story-telling.
Tag: Chinese takeout delivery, NYC to Pine Jct, VT.
Keys:
Quiet pants and satin robe, luxury of an ironing
board, Barnaby Jones on all channels, lighting a
real log-fire (a teepee of twigs inside a log-cabin
of wood), getting red-wine out of silk, shed things
and compost, the Polar Bear Club, Jamie's friend:
Bruce Roberts, Chairman. ("Oh, you scare me!")
- Paul: "And listen, when you play with his ears, scratch,
but don't tug!"
Lisa: "He complained last time?"
Paul: "He mentioned it."
- Jamie: "This apple-butter is so fresh, do you make it here?"
Ned: "Actually, it is bottled in Brooklyn. A little
taste of home, right here in the country?"
- Paul: "To a woman.. freezing water on a woman's body is
invigorating. To a man, not such a thrill...
bad things happen."
Jamie: "Oh, c'mon honey, they'll come back."
Guest Characters:
Ned, the manager . . . . . . . . . Murphy Dunne
Polar Bear club member . . . . . . Parley Baer
After unwittingly revealing a secret about a bride to
her father, Paul badgers Jamie into telling him one of
hers, and soon he's sorry he did.
Written by: Billy Grundfest and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Selecting ear-rings.
Tag: Dancing at the wedding.
Word: Ubiquitous.
Keys:
Nut pick vs. Pasta maker, being early and not eating
before, not being a bridesmaid, just-invented finger
food, the optional Tuxedo, being mistaken for a waiter,
spilling the beans, finding out a bridesmaid's name,
the unknown couple, Stan Franklin in London.
Ira makes his debut.
- Jamie: "Come here, look at you! [ties his tie] What? ...
What are you staring at?"
Paul: "I'm admiring a beautiful girl who married me
for some reason."
Jamie: "... All right! Give 'em the nut-pick!"
- Paul: "So why didn't you tell me 2 years ago?"
Jamie: "If I did, would we be sitting here now?"
Paul: "Yes!"
Jamie: "I'm not so sure."
Paul: "So now we'll never know."
- Paul: "So you're saying it was the toaster?"
Guest Characters:
Miss Grundy, the caterer . . . . . Susan Blommaert
The waiter . . . . . . . . . . . . William Newman
Friendly couple . . . . . . . . . Neil Vipone and
Annie Abbott
Woman looking for her hat . . . . Laura Waterbury
What does a couple do when trapped in their bathroom on
Valentine's Day? Paul and Jamie know -- now. Included:
painting toe-nails, mutual facials, and antacids as food.
Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Getting ready to go to Fran and Mark's party.
Tag: Murray the dog, not the accountant, summoning
help at Fran and Mark's.
Word: Concussed.
Keys:
Murray and the bowl, Q-Tips and tweezers, good clothes
building up speed to attack the door, Mrs. McGyver,
origin of Valentine's Day (and the candy hearts),
forgetting the card, tossing out wrapped soap,
Victoria's bug Secret, instructions to Murray,
dependable Lisa, Ryan the cupid, dunking swabs,
Aloe, lemon, avocado, and then Tums.
- Paul: "It's a made-up holiday. No one even knows who this
St. Valentine guy is!"
Jamie: "He was a roman priest who defended the Christians,
and was beheaded by Claudius the Second on
February 14th, 269 AD."
- Paul: "What do you want to do?"
Jamie: "Anything that takes more than 5 minutes."
Paul: "Okay, so the Earth didn't move."
Jamie: "The bathmat didn't even move."
- Paul: "That's why guys get married, so they can stop wooing.
It's exhausting to woo, you woo, you woo, and you woo,
and then you've got to go: Wo!"
- Paul: "C'mon, you know I love you, right?"
Jamie: "Yes, I know, but once in a while it would be nice
to have a grand romantic gesture..."
Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow
Guest Characters:
Sam (looking for Stephanie) . . . Patrick Warburton
Andrew (Lisa's Valentine) . . . . Gregory Paul Martin
A billionaire who wants Paul to make a film about him
is a bit too talkative and friendly, while Paul's new
editor-cameraman is the opposite.
Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Tap-dancing at 7:30 in the morning.
Tag: Laborious mangling of Warren's name.
Keys:
JL does his thing, getting bagels for the Buchmans,
quelling the jackhammers, Connie doing a soup survey,
a da Vinci from the Pope, Baked Alaska in Alaska, an
autographed Bible, Luciano's aria, 40 reels of nothing,
a tense massuese.
Warren makes his debut.
- Paul: "Wow, I see you've worked with CNN. Was it fun?"
Warren: "Look, I didn't come here to be interrogated."
Paul: "Fair enough. You've some fairly impressive
credits here - is it all true?"
Warren: "A lot of it is true."
- Paul: "Y'know, if you let me use the dishwasher, we won't
be having this discussion."
Jamie: "C'mon, for two plates..."
Paul: "It's always going to be 2 plates."
Jamie: "Unless we have kids or a party."
Paul: "You really think it is right to bring a child into
this world to use an appliance?"
- Paul: "I can't believe this! The man's bought me
Ringo's drums!"
Warren: "Now they'll never get back together again!"
Supporting Cast: Connie and Eddie.
Guest Characters:
Freddy Statler . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Lewis
Belden, his assistant . . . . . . Bill Fox
Eddie Mermelman, aka Warren . . . Steven Wright
Massuese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Donna Pieroni
Paul's father has his 15 minutes of fame after an incident
with Regis Philbin that embarasses Paul, but not as much as
being seen as the over-reactive son by all of New York.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane and Danny Jacobson
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Paul talking to his (still unseen) mother.
Tag: Excerpt from the sound-track of "Moby".
Word: Rend.
Keys:
1843 people + 6 usherettes at the Theatre Royalle,
ordering at El Greco, cash for Lisa, Jamie's molting
jacket and the Burt shirt, being literally spit on,
Paul's schmeckie in the Post ("It's partly mine!"),
day after day of the Buchman crisis, the grout story.
Burt Buchman makes his debut.
- Paul: "He embarrases me..."
Jamie: "Well, you embarrass me sometimes."
Paul: "When? When did I embarrass you?"
Jamie: "Pick a day!"
- Paul: "Why don't we just get an unlisted phone?"
Jamie: "Forget it, I already talked to the phone co."
Paul: "And?"
Jamie: "They agree with Burt."
Supporting Cast: Burt Buchman
Guest Characters:
Mimi, the hummer . . . . . . . . . Maria Pitillo
Marshall, the producer . . . . . . Phil Lamaar
As themselves . . . . . . . . . . Regis and Joy Philbin
Jamie figures that Lisa and her new boyfriend are moving
too fast, considering they've known each other only a week.
And then they decide to move in together.
Written by: Steve Paymer
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Reviewing Tax deductions.
Words: Actually, willy-nilly.
Expression: So what?
Keys:
The look: sexy but not slutty, interested but not
desperate ("the Modonna whore thing"), Lisa's new job
("pointing at boats"), Cow and Free Milk expression,
a psychic bond, dish-night at the movies, another
deduction ("Pumping Irene"), the gravedigger and
the former boyfriend, being handcuffed to the radiator,
the key that didn't fit, actuary tables, locusts,
losing patience with the Earth, Delia, Amanda and Fiona.
- Jamie: "Will you tell her what men think when girls give
it on the first date?"
Paul: "Yippee?"
- Jamie: "They're finished."
Paul: "They're finished?"
Jamie: "I just had this tremendous desire to smoke a cigarette."
Paul: "Did you just have an orgasm that I don't know about?"
- Jamie: "You do these things without thinking!"
Lisa: "That's right, that's how I live, I just close
my eyes and I leap!"
Jamie: "And I'm running all over town with a net!"
Lisa: "Who's Annette?"
- Lisa: "Okay, you always say you know what I'm feeling.
What am I feeling now?"
Jamie: "I don't know, I've never thought you feel this before."
Lisa: "Ah, ha, ha ... I'm HAPPY!"
Jamie: "Oh-my-God! You are ... How do you like it?"
Lisa: "I don't!"
Guest Characters:
Michael . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Charles Shaughnessy
Irwin, the ventriloquist . . . . . James W. Sudik
Woman who hates the quiche . . . . Kayla Carr
Jamie's new client is a former TV star idolized by Paul
and Ira in their childhood, and as they revert back to
the old ways and compete for her attention, Ira wins big.
Written by: Billy Grundfest and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Calling up the TV repairman.
Tag: Reviewing TV heroines after Spy Girl.
Keys:
Wearing turtle-necks, Go-go boots and a bazooka,
Adam West and SCRUM, growing tarragon and whining for
crushed ice, Jamie is Karen, Paul is Larry, and Ira
is Irving, Jamie in Viking helmet, Lisa in Go-Go boots,
Mark's adoration, Ira being used ("that is so cool!").
- Ira: "You're having dinner with Spy Girl?"
Paul: "Better, I'm having dinner with her and you're not."
Jamie: "I'm thinking about camp for you this summer."
- Jamie: "Oh, go on Ira! Shock me! She loved it, couldn't
get enough, I had to hold on for dear life!"
- Mark: "You look as beautiful today as you did back then!
You know what you should do, you should do one of
those exercise videos... or Ibsen!"
Guest Character:
Diane Caldwell . . . . . . . . . . Barbara Feldon
Paul has no qualms about leaving Jamie alone with the
ex-boyfriend she's hired to paint the apartment, but
he finds a stunning picture when he returns.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: The painter is coming... Sherwin Williams?
Keys:
Sherman's toolbox, a snack for Sherman, comparing
belly-buttons, Ira's head, busted door, a great save,
the spur of the moment thing, acting on it, a $7 crock
of mustard, the club sandwich, the Alien inside you,
an attempt at reconciliation, on being Fran and Mark.
- Ira: "Your head has good bounce."
- Jamie: "Oh my God, you had a jealous fight and he threw you
through the door! Are you all right?"
Paul: "Now why do you assume he would throw me through
the.. why wouldn't I throw him through the door?"
Jamie: "Physics!"
- Mark: "Hello, Room Service? This is Dr. Devanow from
Room 618. Listen, I've got to tell ya, this is
the best club sandwich I've ever had. [pause]
No, seriously, be..cause, because the bacon was
crisp enough to provide traction so that the tomato
didn't slide... [long pause] Sure, I'll hold!"
- Jamie: "Did you change these sheets?"
Paul: "Believe me!"
Jamie: "A year of marriage and this is what it took
to get you to make the bed?"
Paul: "See, life is full of little surprises."
Jamie: "Hold me..."
Guest Character:
Sherman Williams . . . . . . . . . Rick Rossovich
At the Buchmans' anniversary bash, Paul attempts to turn
back the clock, love blossoms between his cameraman and
assistant, but there's no love lost between the now
separated Fran and Mark.
Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tag: Recreated wedding pictures of shoving the cake.
Word: Gesture.
Keys:
The album in the fridge, no talk of Mark, holidays,
music, sunshine or sex, on being happy only 30% of the
time, a slick switch at dining table from Fran to Mark,
recreating the wedding cake: rosettes, ecru and tiers,
the beautiful thing (word), the old Tux, the dress that
still fits, the other woman or possibly a man, getting
spackled, being obtuse, no battle over Murray, growing
a garden, the kitchen table (again).
- Mark: "Do you know what I'm going to do first?
I'm going to ride cross-country just like they did
in The Easy Rider!"
Paul: "You bought a motor-cycle?"
Mark: "No, a Range Rover. Can't ride a motor-cycle..
I don't have an ass."
- Warren: "I'm not very good at chit-chat."
Connie: [startled] "Me.. me neither."
Warren: [pause] "So where do you work?"
Jamie: [walking by] "Are you sure I can't get you anything
to drink?"
Warren: "When do you have to know by?"
- Fran: "You're late!" [slams the door, then reopens it]
Mark: "I'm sorry. I had a tough delivery. Triplets! It's
like pulling 3 pot-roasts out of a Pringle's can."
Lisa: "Makes me want to have children!"
Mark: [sizing up Jamie] "Say, you look fan..tastic, just
fantastic! [kisses her]
Jamie: "Thanks, go back to your wife! It's so sweet of
you all to come..."
- Mark: "I'm not running, THIS is a rite of passage!"
Fran: "You're such an idiot!" [noises from the kitchen]
"Oh my God! They're at it again."
Lisa: "What is this? Everytime they've a party, they're..."
Mark: "You see? This is wild, this is spontaneous, this is
what I mean! This is what Peter Fonda would do in
The Easy Rider!"
Fran: "Easy Rider. Not THE Easy Rider! Oh my God, if you
can't get the title right, how are you going to
survive out there?"
- Paul: "I can see staring at this face for another 50 years."
Jamie: "Really?"
Paul: "Oh yah, absolutely!"
Jamie: "Even if I get a double-chin?"
Paul: "I'll love both of 'em."
Jamie: "And grey hair ... and wrinkles."
Paul: "Not a problem!"
Jamie: "Even if I've false teeth, a moustache, and I drool?"
Paul: "Why do you have to push? You've always got to push."
Supporting Cast: Connie and Warren,
a David Lynch version of "When Harry Met Sally..."
The Second Season
Paul has to talk to the cops after Lisa takes Murray out
for a walk and returns with a pooch that anyone can see
isn't Murray -- this one is smart.
Written by: Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Reasoning with Murray to get off the couch.
Tag: Reasoning with Murray to get off the bed.
Word: Dysphoric.
Keys:
Hiding brownies, stuck buzzer, dancing Murray,
peripheral visionary, Lisa and Murray-ness.
- Jamie: "You were very close to the edge there!"
- Janey: "Simon! Go get the elevator!"
Supporting Cast: Warren
Guest Characters:
Simon . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Maui
Sgt. Panino . . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Adler
Saul Beckner . . . . . . . . . . . David Ellzey
Janey Beckner . . . . . . . . . . Nancy Kerr
Phone calls, noisy neighbors and Murray's invisible mouse
are some of distractions Paul and Jamie face in their
attempts at romance during a long-awaited evening together.
Written by: Billy Grundfest and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Lee Shallat
Tease: Jamie asking Paul to check the front door.
Tag: On-camera disclaimers (his hair will grow back).
Expression: Let it go!
Keys:
Run,run,run,boom! Lisa's fortune cookies, the top 2
shelves, Paul's red ears, Jamie's blinking thing,
Casablanca taped over.
- Paul: "You know what? The world can live without us
for two minutes!"
Jamie: "Two minutes?"
Paul: "Two minutes... it's an expression!"
A suspected heart attack puts Paul's father in the hospital,
leaving his mother home alone, until Jamie tries to score
some much needed "nice points" with her mother-in-law.
Written by: Danny Jacobson
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Murray and Jamie watching a Bogie movie while
Paul marches by singing "Woolly Bully!"
(Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs).
Keys:
The heartbeat monitor goes mile-a-minute, mile-a-minute,
four tries at the omelette, three bullseyes without
reloading, Playboy under the twin bed, the 17-year
drought continues.
Sylvia Buchman finally makes her debut.
- Sylvia: "Don't 'Oh Ma!' me! I don't interfere in your marriage!"
- Sharon: "Oh-my-God! She's going to kill 'im!
She's going to kill 'im and come live with me!"
Supporting Cast: Burt, Sylvia and Sharon.
Guest Characters:
The Nurse . . . . . . . . . . . . . Francesca P. Roberts
Harold, the orderly . . . . . . . . Valente Rodriguez
An evening out at Riff's sees Paul complaining about his
meddlesome new producer, and Jamie venting about her same
old credit-grabbing boss, who happens to be seated nearby.
Written by: Russ Woody
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Murray monitoring calls from Paul and Jamie.
Keys:
Paul's new Producer (an accountant) hovers, Jamie's
Central American Tourism campaign: "Come take your
chances" or "Come home to the Equator," smoking a
cigarette out of the window, the Vietnam War enters
the picture.
Remy, Lou Bonaparte and Ursula make their debuts.
- Paul: "You know what? Y'should... I just taste a cigarette?"
Jamie: "No! I had cajun for lunch!"
Supporting Cast: Ursula, Lou, Remy and Eddie.
Guest Characters:
Jack Farrer . . . . . . . . . . . . Ken Jenkins
Ricky, Jamie's assistant . . . . . Cameron Thor
Paul is anything but pleased with Jamie, who just has too
much free time, and uses it to cut his hair, and his film.
Written by: Andrew Gordon and Eileen Conn
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Writing a resume after 8 years at Farrer, Gantz.
Tag: Jamie Buchman, window cleaner.
Word: Mingling.
Keys:
Jane Austen's works, Geraldo, Italian lessons, the
rearranged furniture, high heels, Vacuu-trim II
(the Ginsu knife of hair-styling), Lisa the bobcat,
Murray's sweater, The Three Stooges.
- Warren: "Hey, Paul! I can see you!"
Supporting Cast: Warren and Lou.
Guest Characters:
Street Character (NY by night) . . Bud Sabatino
Waitress . . . . . . . . . . . . . Marjorie Wellin
Paul's shooting schedule leaves it upto Jamie to go
trick-or-treating with his 7-year-old nephew, whose
visit Paul forgot to mention.
Written by: Jack Burditt
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tag: Lou Bonaparte singing a candy-corn song.
Words: Pell-mell, willy-nilly, helter-skelter.
Expression: Guys! It happens!
Keys:
Shooting the Halloween parade, Aladdin with Murray
the camel, the Bosnia relief effort, the Escobar
brothers: Matty, Felipe and Jesus.
- Jamie: "Your nephew is so sweet, my uterus hurts!"
Supporting Cast: Debbie (I), Jed, Remy, Lou and Maggie.
Guest Characters:
Video store manager . . . . . . . . Ryan Stiles
Dutch, the clerk . . . . . . . . . Steve Paymer
Neighbor in 9-D . . . . . . . . . . Aaron Lustig
What brought Jamie and Paul together? Was it fate or a
big coincidence? Jamie's belief that it was fate annoys
Paul, who's already miffed that she is spending more time
with Lisa rather than him.
Written by: Steve Paymer
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Paul freeing himself from a sleeping Jamie
to reach for the slice of cake.
Tag: Paul to Dinosaur: "Sit!"
Expression: Never going to happen, my friend!
Keys:
The fight over fate, knee burns vs. pinned down,
cramps and the amazing scream, Lisa's blind date,
Ira's quest for Ursula, from Riff's to museum tour
guide, banned hooligans not making a break for it,
the flashback, the black-out and previous rendezvous
at the Museum of Natural History.
- Paul: "Must you be humiliated era by era?"
- Paul: "I got it... I got it!"
Supporting Cast: Ursula
Guest Characters:
Jim, Lisa's blind date . . . . . . . Ralph Bruneau
Museum guard . . . . . . . . . . . . Ron Frazier
Tourist from Tampa . . . . . . . . . Shirley Prestia
Young Paul . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jordan Oschin
Young Jamie . . . . . . . . . . . . Lyndsay Riddle
Young Lisa . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alexandra Currie
Young Ira . . . . . . . . . . . . . Thomas Tulak
Jamie suspects a party, but that is not what has been
arranged for her birthday by Paul, who gets separated
from her on the subway en route to the surprise.
Story by: Beth Fieger Falkenstein
Teleplay by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Lee Shallat
Tease: Jamie watching herself turn 30 at 2:01 AM.
Tag: "Final Frontier" sung by the Suave singers.
Expression: Duh!
Keys:
Answering machine from Sylvia (the retrieval code is
4 plus Dave DeBusschere's jersey), shoes from Ira
(retail), Lisa's aging logic, tickets to non-adjacent
seats, Ira's waterbed.
- Jamie: "What about my hair?"
Paul: "Bring it!"
Jamie: "What if everyone else but me has dressy hair?"
Paul: "Then... well, then they'll point and laugh!"
Guest Characters:
Ricky, at St. James' box office . . John Fleck
Max, a passenger . . . . . . . . . Mark Schiff
The vegetarian . . . . . . . . . . Bill Ingram
The Sauve singers . . . . . . . . . Kevin Womeck,
Bryant Woodart,
Adam la Baud
Jugglers . . . . . . . . . . . . . Steven John Cohen
and partner.
A free weekend in Atlantic City has been mysteriously
arranged for the Buchmans and Ira, by Ira's wife, now a
casino manager who wants him to sign their divorce papers.
Written by: Danny Jacobson
Directed by: Tom Moore
Tease: Looking for something in the fridge... what?
Tag: Another indecent proposal.
Keys:
Fran and Ira, looking at hookers, missing the jackpot,
Jamie's T-shirt (stolen from Paul).
Fran's birthday: October 28, 1960.
- Ira: "How come every time I meet a great girl, she's in
love with my cousin?"
Guest Characters:
Marianne Lugaso . . . . . . . . . . Cyndi Lauper
Al, at the tables . . . . . . . . . Keone Young
The Gambler . . . . . . . . . . . . Patrick Neil Quinn
An unemployed Jamie is envious of Paul, whose work is
something he loves to do, while Paul feels betrayed by
Lou, who has tampered with his latest labor of love.
Written by: Andrew Gordon and Eileen Conn
Directed by: Tom Moore
Tease: Fran wailing at the theatre.
Tag: Paul narrating the credits to Lou on the phone:
"Show the guy on the phone, then the sound of
the race-track, do the thing with the hands,
and then the stupid horse with wings..."
Keys:
Fran & Lou and Jamie & Paul at Riff's, Fran lets Jamie
win, Jamie considers several off-beat occupations,
Ira & Paul steal back his tape, Jamie decides to go
back to college.
- Paul: "How many married men get to sleep with a pretty
college girl?"
Supporting Cast: Ursula and Lou.
Guest Character:
Bob, the security guard . . . . . . Larry Hankin
Under a pseudonym, Lisa finally finds her road in the
saddest chapter of her shrink's book, which blames an
overbearing sister for all her problems.
Story by: Jack Burditt
Teleplay by: Andrew Gordon and Eileen Conn
Directed by: Tom Moore
Tease: Paul being compared to Charles Laughton.
Tag: Ursula finally bringing menus, to their bedroom.
Words: Tethered, puerile.
Keys:
Manics (not Mannix) discussed at Riff's, Lisa is Edna,
Jamie is Stella, Paul is Raul, the look of death, the
two bulimic Harriets, Jamie takes over Fran's pinball
game, Paul escorts Lisa to the dentist.
- Lisa: "Hey, Warren!"
Warren: "Hi Edna!"
Lisa: "You've read it?"
Warren: "I read it out loud!"
Supporting Cast: Warren and Ursula.
Guest Character:
Scat King, in Paul's film . . . . . Robert Donley
The death of a Paul Buchman affects Jamie and Paul quite
suddenly, leaving them without cash or credit, and Paul is
morbidly curious about his namesake.
Story by: Russ Woody and Billy Grundfest
Teleplay by: Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Lee Shallat
Tease and Tag: Humming fridge and slanty kitchen floor.
Words: Nippy, mee-grane and a-sprine.
Keys:
The bathmat, Leonard and Donna from Toronto, $10 from
Lisa, eats from the neighbour, toying with a little
British head.
- Paul: "Have a good life!"
Jamie: "You too!"
Paul: "I did!"
Jamie: "Really?"
Supporting Cast: Ursula and Maggie.
Guest Characters:
Bank Manager . . . . . . . . . . . Carolyn Mignini
Man at the ATM (and later) . . . . Race Nelson
Monty, at the funeral home . . . . Lenny Wolpe
Juan, the funeral director . . . . Luis Antonio Ramos
Jamie and Paul endure two months of separation when Paul
has shoot a film in Chicago and blows into town only for
the weekends, weather permitting.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane and Danny Jacobson
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Overpacking Paul's suitcase.
Tag: Eavesdropping on phone sex.
Word: Addle-brain.
Keys:
Luggage tax, Paul's beard, Lisa staying over, Sylvia
dropping in, positions in bed, selfish in bed, Lisa's
stolen windows, lactose-free milk, the orange parka,
tousled hair.
- Jamie: "Guess your beard will have to keep you company
all weekend!"
Paul: "You know what, babe? I can hold out as long as
you can, in fact longer! You know why?"
Jamie: "Because you're rugged?"
Paul: "Bingo!"
Supporting Cast: Sylvia Buchman
Jamie learns that Fran may be pregnant, and Paul finds
out that Ira may have gotten someone pregnant, but neither
realizes that it's Ira who may have gotten Fran pregnant.
A farce, lies all around, but no slapstick.
Written by: Andrew Gordon and Eileen Conn
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Playing Scrabble, and being creative.
Tag: Painting the set (to sell), without telling Lisa.
Words: Hing, Quizjax, Whom.
Keys:
The pregnancy test, painting Fran's rented apartment
(to sell), gambling debts betting on the Patriots.
- Ira: "It was one time! I mean, it wasn't even in town!"
Supporting Cast: Ursula
Guest Characters:
Sergio, the doorman . . . . . . . . Greg Collins
Voice of Russell Bernard . . . . . Steve Paymer
Paul invests in a virtual-reality system with Ira,
without consulting Jamie, who reacts to his actions,
both real and imagined.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Jamie trying a new nutty trick.
Tag: Christie showing up at the apartment as Jamie.
Words: Honestly, honesty.
Keys:
A $5000 investment, a stopped check, on being Pope or
a shoe, or maybe seeing Sean Connery, the sudden snap
of the head.
- Jamie: "You're a little, little man!"
- Paul: "I was wrong, I was so wrong!"
Supporting Cast: Ursula
Guest Character:
Edward Wagner, the whiz kid . . . . J. D. Daniels
As herself . . . . . . . . . . . . Christie Brinkley
As himself . . . . . . . . . . . . Andre Agassi
A Valentine's Day story that begins with Jamie and Paul
at rink-side and moves back 3 years to the day they moved
in together and got engaged.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane and Danny Jacobson
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tag: Jamie checking her diamond.
Word: Peignoir.
Keys:
Slanty floor in living room and kitchen, Fran leaving,
Jamie succeeding, key to the executive washroom, the
diamond ring below cost, ice-skates, big fat globs
floating around Rockefeller Plaza.
Moving in date: February 14, 1991
- Jamie: "Honey, what time will you be home?"
Supporting Cast: Ursula
Guest Characters:
Mel Wertzel, the landlord . . . . Louis Goss
Joanne, at Burt's store . . . . . Andrea Elson
Jamie's fortune cookie predicts that bad luck will follow
the guilty, but it is Paul who suffers misfortune as they
head for a party at Yoko Ono's apartment.
Story by: Beth Fieger Falkenstein, Dana Reston and
Frank Lombardi
Teleplay by: Beth Fieger Falkenstein
Directed by: Lee Shallat
Tease: A peanut-butter induced lingering goodbye.
Tag: Fortune cookies reading:
- "Life without an 'F' is a lie."
- "When in doubt, cut to the skyline."
Expression: Ill-gotten gains.
Keys:
Extra shirt at the sale, taupe vs. beige, tan, off-white
and camel, protocol of fortune cookies, blouse of death,
Jamie's exercise machine, pits in concentrate, the
egg-shell magnet.
- Jamie: "Is this the stupidest thing I ever bought?"
Paul: "Yes!"
Guest Characters:
Rita, the cabbie . . . . . . . . . Susan Blommaert
Martin, the co-rider . . . . . . . Simon Templeman
Elevator operator . . . . . . . . George O. Petrie
Yoko Ono's maid . . . . . . . . . Lynn Milgrim
Jamie and Paul are horrified upon discovering that Paul has
unwittingly handed over their revealing homemade video to
the Family Network.
Written by: Paul Reiser
Directed by: Tom Moore
Tease: Running out of corn flakes and bananas.
Tag: Paul trying to open his BullWorker package,
to Jamie's earnest cheerleading.
Word: Invectify.
Keys:
A slap at Riff's, a piece of wood, the 4 piles (the save,
the storage, Goodwill and paisley), closet clean-up, one
last look at the tape, or A Day at the Zoo, or RoboCop II,
that intense look on Paul's face.
- Paul: "I should tell him?"
Jamie: "I think you should!"
Paul: "I don't think I can."
Jamie: "You've clearance!"
Supporting Cast: Ursula
Guest Characters:
Norman Lark . . . . . . . . . . . . Kenneth Tigar
Video Store manager . . . . . . . . Ryan Stiles
Dutch, the clerk . . . . . . . . . Steve Paymer
Roy Osterback . . . . . . . . . . . Perry Anzilotti
The Buchmans find letters written by former tenants of
their apartment that chronicle a World War II love story
that Jamie feels parallels hers and Paul's.
Written by: Jeffrey Klarik
Directed by: Tom Moore
Tease: Paul slurping his soup.
Tag: Mrs. Wicker sneezing in TV commercial.
Words: Victrola, valise, Lindy.
Expression: Nectarine!
Keys:
Jamie has writer's block, finds Paul snippish, arranges
books by color, Ira the handyman uses the sink, Jamie
the sponge-woman, $5 bets, slantiness of floor confirmed.
Mr. Wicker makes his debut.
- Jamie: "Could you please tell us where Mr. Wicker is?"
Couple: "Who?"
Paul: "... It's like talking to a gland here."
Supporting Cast: Ursula and Mr. Wicker
Guest Characters:
Millie Barton . . . . . . . . . . . Kim Hunter
Manny Barton . . . . . . . . . . . Dick O'Neill
Ellen, in 3-B . . . . . . . . . . . Elena Wohl
Couple in 6-C . . . . . . . . . . . Timi Prulhiere and
Dylan Haggerty
Jamie and Paul refuse to take sides in an incident between
their mothers, while Lisa plays both sides and Murray is
found to be suffering from his own mother problems.
Written by: Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Tom Moore
Tease: Can the lemon in a lemon muffin go bad?
Tag: Murray's mother is his real-life mother,
and Mrs. Reiser calls in.
Expression: Son of a .... bitch!
Keys:
The do-not-mention list, the hors d'oeuvres swan, using
a tone, the message cake, Lisa's pearls, Bird of Paradise
napkin folding, Fran on call-waiting phone, Murray's name
used to be Swifty, his mom is Mona.
- Paul: "The grass on other people's mothers is always
greener!"
Guest Characters:
Dr. Arzupia . . . . . . . . . . . . Erick Avari
Albert Urbont . . . . . . . . . . . Allan Arbus
Phone repairman . . . . . . . . . . Marty Rackham
On the first day of school, Fran, Lisa and Ira race
against time to cover for Paul, who forgot to mail in
Jamie's registration.
Written by: Jack Burditt and Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Tom Moore
Tease: Murray on the dining table ("This is new!").
Tag: Reconciling Jamie's multiple picture Ids.
Keys:
Eating fish-sticks with Bob Howard, breakfast in bed,
the red sweater, non-prepaid-non-submitted, 4 mugshots.
- Jamie: "A pencil case! .. Erasers, reinforcements!"
Lisa: "I LOVE those!"
Supporting Cast: Maggie
Guest Characters:
Registrar #1 . . . . . . . . . . . Alan Wilder
Registrar #2 . . . . . . . . . . . Adilah Barner
Student in the queue . . . . . . . Sydney Brown
Student with the cap . . . . . . . Lightfield Lewis
Student with basketball . . . . . Louie Maggiotto
Ethics Professor . . . . . . . . . Stephen Pearlman
French Professor . . . . . . . . . Julia Sweeney
Logic Professor . . . . . . . . . Jim Piddock
Psychology Professor . . . . . . . Mary Portser
The Photographer . . . . . . . . . Daryl Roach
Dining at Riff's with Fran and Nick, Jamie's new friend
from school, the Buchmans have unexpected company.
Written by: Danny Jacobson
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: How to change the toilet paper roll:
Watch me! ... ... ... ... Voila!
Tag: Anywhere in the world: Seattle, Burma, Romania,
Israel ("Don't assume!")
Expression: You get the gist!
Keys:
Fastest short-order cook, Antonio the bus-boy, Jamie
lets Fran win, having a good ass day, a first kiss,
the Cuban in French class, on being a Good Humor man,
Fran is 33, "but he's 25!"
- Jamie: "I'll do all the work!"
Supporting Cast: Mark and Ursula.
Guest Characters:
Nick . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David Beron
Issac, owner of Apollo Cafe . . . Ivory Ocean
Jamie's sleeplessness leads to an all-night adventure with
Paul, taking the Buchmans from the basement to the rooftop,
and a tango with John Astin, if that's who he really is.
Written by: Jeffrey Klarik
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Tease: Garth Brooks identifying a song at Riff's.
Tag: Gomez continuing the mother of all backflips.
Keys:
Silver sprocket, The Trouble with Barnacles, A Day
in the Life of a Button, professional tea (brewer),
non-decaffeinated tea, wishing for a lawn, the
10-Storey High Club.
- Jamie: "The more you try to fall asleep, the more you can't...
it's like the erection thing!"
Supporting Cast: Mr. Wicker
Guest Characters:
As himself (?) . . . . . . . . . . John Astin
Wallaleya . . . . . . . . . . . . . Karla Tamburelli
As himself . . . . . . . . . . . . Garth Brooks
Second-anniversary blues: Paul loses his wedding ring
and endures three congratulatory lunches with Jamie,
while an encounter with Paul's nephew causes the Buchmans
to rethink having a child.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane (Part I)
Story by: Jeffrey Lane and Danny Jacobson (Part II)
Teleplay by: Jeffrey Lane (Part II)
Directed by: Tom Moore
Keys:
Those things you love, gifts you hate, the chanting,
anniversary double, Kim's triples, smelling the Rose,
musical chairs at lunch, Brits eat spam, Yanks buy $600
of hot dogs, mushed potatoes, Bill and Dave try a Zima.
- Paul: "How many years did you go to college?"
Mark: "Four."
Paul: "And then Med School?"
Mark: "Four."
Paul: "How long were you an Intern?"
Mark: "One-year."
Paul: "And then a Resident?"
Mark: "Two."
Paul: "Good! Give me a pound of grapes!"
Kim's triples:
We've cakes, we've Drano, we've cheese by the pound.
We've beer, we've Q-Tips, we've lemon pie.
We've sugar, we've onions, we've aspergum and yodels.
We've Pepto, we've Bromo, we've Alka Seltzer.
I've a market, I've a wife, I've a.. daughter.
Paul's triple (of sorts):
We've.. I've got flowered socks, I've got marsh-mallows,
I've got paper-towels.
Supporting Cast: Mark, Sylvia, Ursula, Debbie (II) and Noah.
Guest Characters:
Kim . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Darrell Kunitomi
Tammy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Patty Toy
Hot dog vendor . . . . . . . . . . Jimm Giannini
Hot dog dispatcher . . . . . . . . Anthony Russell
The Third Season
The last weekend of a hot New York summer finds the
Buchmans borrowing Fran's car to drive down to the
Jersey shore for a taste of fried clams, and trying
to remember the name of their favorite restaurant.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Paul reading over Jamie's shoulder.
Tag: Eating Jamie's clams, not Paul's calamari.
Expression: Clamenza!
Keys:
"Mr. Science" all summer, the best possible use of the
fridge, Fran's job, Sylvia's radar, Ira's thing in the
mail, Lisa's mailman, name that restaurant (Boyd's?),
Murray being towed, Paul getting locked in.
- Sylvia: "So, when do you start school?"
Jamie: "Oh, 10 days... probably going to study
corporate finance."
Sylvia: "You know what name I like? Barbara, if it's a girl."
Jamie: "If what's a girl?"
Paul: "Leave her alone, Ma!"
- Jamie: "Honey, don't worry, the locksmith will be here any
minute. [to Ursula] He's been suffocating...
you don't have a hanger or something?"
Ursula: "We have a coat rack!"
Supporting Cast: Sylvia and Ursula.
The War of the Buchmans and the Conways continues as
rumors fly about the apartment building going co-op.
Murray and Sophie find true love and then some more.
Written by: Jack Burditt
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Hmming and watching TV from the couch.
Tag: Sylvia cooing over her grandpuppy.
Word: Whom.
Keys:
The juicer and the hair-dryer, hot showers and
toilet flushes, the sconeheads or guv'nors, the slanty
floor revisited, home or a sunny, roomy, air-conditioned
apartment, Fran's new hair, the deliciously depressing
"Choclat Noye Bechenye."
- Jamie: "You talk your way, I'll talk right!"
Supporting Cast: Sylvia, Maggie, Hal and Mr. Wicker.
Paul's idea for the final resting place for the ashes of
Jamie's uncle Van takes the Buchmans to Belmont, where
Lisa pays admission for her uncle, Ira has a relapse and
Jamie backs a long shot named About-To-Be-Glue to win big.
Written by: Danny Jacobson
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: What's thunder?
Tag: Ira and Maurice comparing levels of stupidity,
and Uncle Van resting in peace.
Keys:
Attack on the killer pantyhose, Thanksgiving turkey
story, Salisbury steak vs. hamburger, the eulogy, Lisa
in plaid, Ira at GA, Uncle Van in an urn, sitting with
Maurice,the sixth horse at 50-1.
- Jamie: "You know Uncle Van was crazy about you from the
moment he met you."
Paul: "Of course Uncle Van was crazy about me; he needed
a partner in crime. Y'know, without me, he'd never
have got those golf balls into your mother's turkey!
That was like a classic Van moment..."
Jamie: "I wish you'd tell that story."
Paul: "All right, it was Thanksgiving and we were all
sitting around the table..."
Jamie: "Not here, at the service."
- Patron #1: "Did you hear about Salisbury Steak?"
Patron #2: "I heard! Where'd you hear it? From Tommy?"
Patron #1: "Nah! Tommy's out! There's a new guy!"
Guest Characters:
Maurice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ernie Sabella
Mike, at Gamblers Anonymous . . . . Dana Lee
Tommy's friend . . . . . . . . . . Mario Ruccuzzo
Racetrack patrons . . . . . . . . . Al Berry, Bill P. Murry,
Danny Mora, Bill Saluga
As himself . . . . . . . . . . . . The Voice
The Wickers have a big fight, and Mr. Wicker moves in with
the Buchmans. Meanwhile Jamie finally succumbs to an eye
exam, but can't decide between glasses and contacts.
Written by: Victor Levin
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tag: Paul reading made-up Dickens to Murray.
Word: Fishbroker (fishmonger!)
Expression: Ech! Ech! Ech!
Keys:
The 39" armoire, magical fire-escape, $20 vertical
tip (in a sock), celery story, taping the wrong show,
contacts vs. glasses on a trapezoidal face, the wink,
cocoa with nutmeg in bed.
- Jamie: "Hey! Is it in?"
Paul: "Ah, not so much. ... the trick is not to close
your eye until after."
Jamie: "I understand, but it's coming right at me..."
Paul: "Don't look at it!"
Jamie: "That's why I close my eye!"
- Mr. Wicker: "Goodbye, Buchmans!"
Buchmans: "Goodbye, Wickers!"
Supporting Cast: Maggie and Mr. Wicker.
Guest Characters:
Claire Wicker . . . . . . . . . . . Anita Gillette
The salesgirl . . . . . . . . . . . Kristen Cloke
The optician . . . . . . . . . . . Tony Edwards
The Buchman Sporting Goods store has its annual midnight
sale and in arranging an appearance by a former Yankee
player, Jamie gets her PR juices flowing. But Paul is
left feeling uncomfortable, for more reasons than one.
Story by: Jeffrey Lane and Steve Paymer
Teleplay by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Paul being helped out by call screening.
Tag: A very tired Fran not being impressed by
Sloopy Dunbar's baseball impersonations.
Expression: How?
Keys:
Jamie striking back at The Empire, Harvey Keitel's
appendage, Paul's next job, Burt's TV ad, Jamie's new
career, Ira's an heir, a lot about floss, 20-year old
sneakers, going out with a bang, '64 Series memories.
- Paul: "If you know so much, tell me when is this guy ever
going to call me back?"
Jamie: "He will." [the phone rings, she looks at him]
Paul: "Oh, stop it!"
- Burt: "You know what? I love these sneakers! I can't even
tell I'm walking. I was in the stockroom, now I am
here -- all I remember are shelves going by!"
- Sylvia: "You're retiring. Why is it so hard to say?"
Burt: "Who says it's hard to say? I'm retiring, there!
Maybe."
Paul: "Are you serious?"
Burt: "We think it's time, and I agree."
- Paul: "Yes, I'm angry at my father, but I can't talk
to my father! I only know how to talk to you!"
Supporting Cast: Burt and Sylvia.
Guest Characters:
Sloopy Dunbar . . . . . . . . . . Charles Hallahan
Man looking for fishing rod . . . Michael Tomlinson
Woman shopping for golf clubs . . Wendy Kamenoff
Jamie works around Paul's opposition to having a TV in
the bedroom and hot-wires an additional cable outlet
with Fran's help. The inevitable, indeed farcical
complications lead ultimately to a citywide blackout.
Written by: Victor Fresco
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Still looking for the TV remote.
Tag: Al Roker reporting a newsflash, in place of
Tom Brokaw, who's stuck in an elevator.
Keys:
A '$50' tip, the Andy Griffith Show, the client --
it's just Ira, on faucets, sockets and outlets, stealing
airwaves, the blue channel, comparing yellow hues, a
crashed disk or maybe a coaster, a spirited defence of
she who can't stop smiling.
- Paul: "Listen, you may know you better than me, and you may
even know me better than me, but I know us better
than you and I'm telling you -- it's a bad idea!"
- Jamie: "Nobody's right and nobody's wrong! ... I'm a little
bit more right!"
Supporting Cast: Ursula, Maggie, Hal and Mr. Wicker.
Guest Characters:
Neighbor and her daughter . . . . Liz Georges and
Erin Trimble
Actor on Soap Opera . . . . . . . Brian Jensen
Cable repairman . . . . . . . . . Kevin M. Richardson
Angry Neighbors . . . . . . . . . Pat Crawford and
Stan Sellers
As himself . . . . . . . . . . . Al Roker
Fran's Birthday party is the setting for Jamie's unexpected
encounter with an ex-boyfriend, and the saga of who dumped
whom dominates her evening. The cab-ride home provides
two interlocking perspectives of the evening's events.
Written by: Liz Coe
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Silence in the cab: Paul contemplating the
lost shot at an NBC mini-series.
Tag: Silence in the cab: Jamie contemplating the
dinner engagement the following week.
Alternate Tag: Paul and Jamie clarifying the Zest story,
to the cabbie's appreciative laughter.
Expression: How could I know?
Keys:
Flat hair and bunching waiters, the fork in time,
thank-you notes and the Zest story, the versatile lemon,
Paul the chiropractor and a crackling neck, Alan and his
tea, Rigoletto with elephants, the other woman, all about
fish, party parting signals, waffles (not a muffin) at 7AM,
and one more cookie (not Tums). A Mark sighting.
- Jamie: "It was really nice to see you!"
Alan: "You too!"
Jamie: "And I did!"
- Lisa: "Scrod?"
Paul: "Royally!"
- Fran: "Please don't put down my food!"
Guest Characters:
Alan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Eric Stoltz
Carol, of NBC . . . . . . . . . . Wendie Malick
Tracy, the model . . . . . . . . . Senait
Doris and her husband (Bob) . . . Judith Hoag and
Vince Grant
Cabbie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joe Flood
"But this is Pennsylvania!" Man . Tyrees Allen
Jamie's perfect Thanksgiving feast involves a buffet
for ten, and five turkeys, thanks to Murray and the
ever-friendly Kim.
Story by: Jeffrey Klarik and Billy Grundfest
Teleplay by: Jeffrey Klarik
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Waking up to a turkey break at 5:25 AM.
Tag: Aunt Lolly talking to her friend about the
Stemples and Buchmans, and trying
to figure out whose aunt she is.
Expression: It's a fact!
Keys:
The first Buchman Thanksgiving, peeling potatoes
and making ice, rationed marsh-mallows and extra
water-chestnuts, sharing smoke with the city and
alphabetic thanksgiving (A to V), clanging pipes
and redoing the bedroom, the missile of Turkey,
Sylvia's mother-in-law, Sylvia the mother-in-law.
- Fran: "I've been here MINUTES!"
Paul: "Listen! I've been with 'em years; trust me,
it gets worse!"
- Lisa: "I'm thankful I've therapy tomorrow."
- Paul: "We're adults!"
Jamie: "I-KNOW!"
Kim's triples:
Doilies, acorn squash, and dental floss.
Water, cold, and time.
Votive candles, Lemon Pledge, and chocolate macaroons.
Tweezers, pretzel nuggets, and a nice block of halvah.
Smoked, not smoked, stuffed, not stuffed,
garnished, not garnished.
Butterball, not Butterball, organic, not organic,
free range, range restricted.
On the house!
Paul's triple:
No clam-dip, no light-bulbs, no margarine.
Supporting Cast: Burt, Sylvia, Gus, Theresa, Aunt Lolly and Kim.
Guest Character:
Neighbor in 12-D . . . . . . . . . Herself
As the Buchmans' sex-life waxes and wanes, Lisa snags
a pair of free dinners, Fran loses a window office and
Ira acquires a silent partner.
Story by: Victor Levin and Dan Greenberg
Teleplay by: Victor Levin
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Two ways of getting a bagel.
Tag: Two losers settling accounts with Lisa.
Expression: It happens!
Keys:
Meatloaf and sex, Aruba escapades, Buchman bucks,
taking back a conversation, hanging up on Fran, a
six-week diet, attractive vs. sexy, the closet of last
resort (not the kitchen table).
- Paul: "Let's just go back to basics."
Jamie: "Arousal!"
Paul: "Arousal! ... ... arouse me!"
Supporting Cast: Ursula and Sid.
Guest Characters:
Manny Gantz (Ganz) . . . . . . . . Jack Shearer
A bad day in the Big Apple leaves Jamie unwilling to go
out to see a feel-good movie, but Paul talks her into an
evening out, if only to meet Ira's new girlfriend.
Written by: Paul Reiser
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: A typical dinner invitation from Sylvia.
Tag: On cabbies and clean streets from Hizzoner.
Words: Pedagogue, obstructed.
Keys:
Paul's grant, Jamie's gripes, the mother of all
dictionaries, leftside/rightside, muffin and Sprite,
buying/selling tickets, a punch in the nose, veal on
the sidewalk, a private screening, Riff's without Ursula.
- Projectionist: "Nice night!"
Paul: "Maybe for you, not so much for us."
Jamie: "All...right, take it easy, honey!
We're out of muffins."
Guest Characters:
Velma . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Marita Geraghty
Cabbie #1 . . . . . . . . . . . . Iqbal Theba
Cab-crasher . . . . . . . . . . . Allan Wasserman
Man in the line . . . . . . . . . Kelly Perine
Elderly patron . . . . . . . . . . Bibi Osterwald
Woman in theatre . . . . . . . . . June Gable
Man in wheel-chair . . . . . . . . Richard Robert Redlin
The Projectionist . . . . . . . . George D. Wallace
As himself . . . . . . . . . . . . Rudolph Guiliani
Paul is one of six documentary filmmakers selected by PBS
to turn the camera on themselves for 15 minutes, and in
his case, it turns into... well, see for yourself!
Written by: Jack Burditt
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tag: Getting back to being themselves on camera.
Keys:
Yelling Chicken a-la-King and fetching with Murray,
stealing Paperwhites and reading Scientific American
(at arm's length), tearing an insert, hiring a wife,
a Mowa and coffee filters, bikes 'n' things and the
ants of New York, a cig, a tattoo and the dark side,
Lisa's tour de force, cutting cake to go with ...
Ira Gershwin or Courtney Love, Uma or Eunice or Karen,
honesty (no matter what).
- Jamie: "I don't need the whole world knowing we're slobs."
Paul: "But we ARE slobs!"
Jamie: "No, you're a slob. I'm just tired."
Paul: "Yes, but it's real!"
Jamie: "All right, fine! You know... it's not like your mother
is going to watch this, see the socks on the bed, and
be here everyday straightening up."
- Jamie: "Why did you yell Chicken a la King at my sister?"
Paul: "I didn't know it was her!"
Jamie: "Why would you yell Chicken a la King at anyone?"
Paul: "... I was talking with my foot!"
Supporting Cast: Maggie Conway.
Paul's ideas on how to meet and engage the opposite sex are
tested by Jamie in a hypothetical encounter, while Ira has
a very real encounter with Jamie's friend.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Paul dreaming about Mr. Mooney.
Tag: The Buchmans reviewing "How to Date Girls."
Words: Whom (repeatedly), putz.
Keys:
Having 29 teeth, Chicken a la Poem, mimicking Paul,
the name is Brenda, helping the fate-impaired,
Find 'em, Meet 'em, Make 'em yours, chewing a straw,
drinks on a dime, $1 watcher's tip, the Jodie Foster-
Daniel Day Lewis look, psychic talk (and listen),
crazy Pete on the corner, the looong elevator ride,
but mostly about the egg-salad.
- Jamie: "Okay... right there... she's perfect for you."
Paul: "... No sense of irony."
- Jamie: "What's she like?"
Paul: "My wife? ... Kinda like you actually, your height,
yer'hair, your eyes too..."
Jamie: "Sounds perfect."
Paul: "Actually, NO! No, not so much perfect...
She never puts the ATM stuff into the check-book,
so we're always like $60 off..."
Jamie: "Okay, I'm sorry..."
Paul: "DON'T DEFEND HER! ... She sneaks cigarettes behind
my back, like I don't have a nose, and she doesn't
tell me the Film Lab called last night, so I've
got to go down in the middle of my lunch hour...
then she... I could go on and on..."
Jamie: "Why don't you SAY something?"
Paul: "Why make trouble?"
- Paul: "Did you know I was born without a head?"
Supporting Cast: Ursula and Maggie.
Guest Characters:
Susannah Gould . . . . . . . . . . Anne Bobby
Mick, at the bar . . . . . . . . . Eric Lutes
The saga of the 3 months leading up to Paul and Jamie's
wedding, what with the invitations, the reception menu,
the dress fittings, the band selection, and the remarkable
goings-on of the night before the wedding.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Klarik
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Cleaning out the freezer section.
Tag: Dancing at the wedding.
Words: Willy-nilly, putz.
Expressions: What does this say?
Keys:
The 'Saved By The Bell' fix, sorbet in the ear,
a guest-list under 80, or 12-60-1100, the big typo or
an omen, squabble over squab, gravy boats, Pie or Pi,
El Grandes or Executivos, a Tuxedo over the phone,
smoking and binging, on being fat, the Upstate gig,
Color My World, The Alley Cats, or The Hokey Pokey,
the first dance, frozen tulips, zits and toothpaste,
seating arrangements, dress-code for the strip-club,
hanging out with the broads, Inca gifts (ear-rings,
necklace or cloth) or Jamie's gift (lights, camera,
Buchmans), Debbie's dilemma, Aunt Selma's call,
some Con Ed humor at 15th Street at Bagel Nosh,
two #6 washers and a jackhammer band.
The Wedding song: "What the World needs now is love,
sweet love" (Dionne Warwick).
- Jamie: "How are you holding up?"
Paul: "Well, if I had 2 tongues I'd be the happiest person
in the world."
Jamie: "Second happiest."
- Paul: "It's got a pigeonesque quality..."
Sylvia: "What's the difference between this and a pigeon?"
Burt: "Pigeon is on a ledge, this is on a plate..."
- Jamie: "Well! Everything's ruined. I need pie."
Paul: "Three point one four."
- Lisa: "I'm going to be your sister-in-law!"
Paul: "Yah... You, Miss Stemple, do you realize that tomorrow,
this time, you'll be, Mrs. Buchman." [they start to kiss]
Lisa: "Just like his mother." [they can't, and stop]
- Jamie: "This is so stupid. What are we doing?"
Paul: "This is so not-what-I-wanted-it-to-be."
Jamie: "I was lying there, trying to picture tomorrow, I
could see the food, I could see the flowers, I could
see our parents. The only thing I couldn't see was us!"
Paul: "Why is there toothpaste on your head?"
- Paul: "Ira told me you marry people."
Lenny: "People marry each other, I just okay it for the State."
- Paul: "All I know is that I want to wake up with you naked
for the rest of my life."
Jamie: "You are a strange... amazing man."
Paul: "Can I tell you... that the part of my brain that came
up with this was not alive before I met you."
Advice to Newlyweds:
- Theresa: "Everybody and their mother will be coming up
to you and wanting to give you advice.
Pay no attention."
- The Mailman: "Wear comfortable shoes."
- Debbie: "Pick up the (half-pound of smoked) turkey."
- Fran: "Men say a lot of things... only listen to
a third of it."
- Mark: "Women need constant attention. Just talk to
her; it doesn't matter what you say...
Two-thirds of what I say to Fran, I don't
know what the hell I'm talking about."
- Aunt Lolly: "Never get a dog."
Supporting Cast: Mark Devanow, Sylvia and Burt, Debbie,
Theresa and Gus, Aunt Lolly and Remy.
Guest Characters:
Lenny, the renaissance man . . . . Lyle Lovett
Hillary, the caterer . . . . . . . Jane Carr
Saul, the dressmaker . . . . . . . Ralph Lanza
Antonio, the tailor . . . . . . . Vito Scotti
Vicky, the dancer . . . . . . . . Kristen Holmquist
The Postal worker . . . . . . . . Patrick Cronin
The tale of Murray's show-biz career, spawned by a walk-on
appearance in a commercial directed by Paul, advanced by an
eager agent, leading all the way to an audition for a series.
Written by: Andrew Gordon and Eileen Conn
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Paul trying on Jamie's beret. ("Wrong!")
Tag: Paul dreaming the dream, and enjoying it.
Word: Ruminating.
Keys:
Looking for the loop, Yum Yum gum, why one hates
being single (or not), keeping warm in suede, humming,
having an agent with 3 words, firing an assistant,
seeing in black and white, but dreaming in color, doing
one's own barking, then a rock video, then playing cujo,
shaking tails, lack of synchrony at the sink.
- Jamie: "He's bored."
Paul: "... He's Murray!"
Jamie: "I would think you'd want a little more for him
than that."
Paul: "Okay, just tell me now, how long until you drop it?"
Jamie: "3 to 5 days."
Paul: "I'll call Bob!"
Supporting Cast: Maggie and Remy.
Guest Characters:
Bob, the agent . . . . . . . . . . Brent Spiner
The Ad Exec . . . . . . . . . . . Tom Gallop
The Director . . . . . . . . . . . Richard Frank
As himself . . . . . . . . . . . . Jay Leno
As herself . . . . . . . . . . . . Rachel Hunter
Paul finds it very difficult to deal with the considerable
ego of a legendary TV star, until help arrives in the form
of a tip from a surprising quarter.
Written by: Kenny Schwartz
Directed by: Gordon Hunt
Tease: Competing at really-love-you's.
Tag: Choreographing a funny entrace a la
The Dick Van Dyke Show, but not quite.
Expression: "Oh, Paul!"
Keys:
Charades, Bridge Over Troubled Water, pineapples,
mom and daughters - back and forth, the big surprise,
Aunt Lolly too, the Catskill escapades, the truth
about Uncle Miltie, Sid's disguise, business first,
dinner later, the switch to Sid the pantomime narrator.
- Jamie: "So what's he like?"
Paul: "He's like him, but in color."
- Paul: "You're going to wear that?"
Jamie: "Paul!"
Paul: "What? [as Jamie mimes] ... Two words...
First word... sounds like... duck!
Second word... [Jamie flicks the switch] off!"
- Lolly: "Oh that Alan, was he cute! And young - I liked
'em young."
Paul: "WOW!"
Lolly: "Wow nothing. He was just like his act. Six minutes
of great material, with no finish." [long pause]
Shea: "That's just a bit more than I needed to know..."
Supporting Cast: Theresa Cooper Stemple, Aunt Lolly and Sid.
Guest Characters:
Alan Brady . . . . . . . . . . . . Carl Reiner
Mrs. Brady (in segment) . . . . . Alix Elias
Maurice, the maitre d' . . . . . . William Utay
Jamie goes up to Connecticut to keep her dad company, and the
home-alone-Paul gets quite giddy being Lord of the Manor.
Written by: Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Tag: Mass escape in the dead of night.
Keys:
Missing a basket, French's vs. Poupon, harmonizing
with the fridge (humming?), calling the guys (Zucker?),
Ira's date, Fran's shower, Lisa's lunch, pet ferret,
pickup, delivery and another pickup, Brits at the Opera,
warm, hot and cold (malaria?), the major collapse.
- Paul: "Milk! Perfect example of things that are mine!
[drinks from the carton]
See that? Virtually empty, yet I put it right back."
- Jamie: "You want me to come home?"
Paul: "No, no, no! Hey, everything's under control."
Jamie: "I'll talk to you in 5 minutes."
- Lisa: "I was just in the neighborhood and thought
I'd bring you some lunch."
Paul: "Did Jamie say to do that?"
Lisa: "No."
Paul: "She tell you to say no?"
Lisa: "Yes."
- Lisa: "Great! I've got 14 things and 3 holes. What do I do?"
Ira: "Join the circus."
Supporting Cast: Maggie, Hal and Mr. Wicker.
Guest Characters:
Sister Dorothea . . . . . . . . . Debra Mooney
Drycleaning pickup man . . . . . . Carlos Ferro
Meat of the Month Club man . . . . Bill Ingram
Sisters of Charity Mover . . . . . Andrew Craig
Man bidding on the bed . . . . . . Tony Edwards
Created by: Paul Reiser and Danny Jacobson
Executive Producers: Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Lane
Producers: Paul Reiser, Bruce Chevillat
Coordinating Producer: Marjorie Weitzman
Associate Producer,
then Co-Producer: Craig Knizek
Art Direction: Bernard Vyzga
Photography: Mikel Neiers
Editing: Sheila Amos
Sound Mixing: Peter Damski
Writers: Jack Burditt, Liz Coe, Eileen Conn, Victor Fresco,
Andrew Gordon, Dan Greenberg, Billy Grundfest,
Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Klarik, Jeffrey Lane,
Victor Levin, Kenny Schwartz and Paul Reiser.
Directors: Gordon Hunt, Michael Lembeck, Thomas Schlamme
and David Steinberg.