A State of the Union Address A State of the Union Address
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By Noel Rappin, Ross Garmil, and Andy Meyers
This is an ABC news presentation. From Washington, Peter Jennings.
Good Evening, I'm Peter Jennings. Tonight we bring you a special State of the Union Address. We don't know exactly what the President will discuss tonight, but White House sources claim that it will have "something to with the economy, stupid." We take you now to the Oval Office, where president Clinton is ready to speak.
Good Evening, my fellow Americans. As you may have heard, my personal economy is in a state of crisis. Between the Whitewater hearings and other legal attacks, my spending has gone up, while revinues have remained constant. My deficit is rising, and I feel my pain. I no longer believe in a place called Hope, but I am starting to believe in a place called Bankruptcy Court.
As a result I am announcing a series of personal cost cutting measures, entitled the White House Act Spending, Taxes and Expenditures (WHASTE) of 1996 to control these costs. I urge congress to pass the WHASTE bill as soon as possible.
The first part of the WHASTE act is a cut in the Aid to Dependent Children Amendment. This amendment will cut my daughter Chelsea's allowence in half, and mandate that she get a job at the local McDonalds. Not only will this bring in extra revenue, but her employee discount will help save money as well. In addition, she will have to pay for her own phone line, and for her own driving lessons. Furthermore, her subsidy for history texts will be cut, and she will have to use the original Declaration of Independance and Constitution in class.
In addition, we will be making changes in the Social Security program. Specifically, Socks the cat will be asked not to collect Social Security on at least two of his nine lives.
The second program in WHASTE is a series of cutting back measures. These include:
The most ambitions part of WHASTE is the Make A Buck of the House provision. This bill would authorize a White House yard sale in the Rose Garden, where some of our prized antiques will go for truly crazy prices. Some portrait of Washington, only $9.95. We will not be undersold.
We will also be able to turn the White House into a quite exquisite little Bed (&) Breakfast, with full amenities and optional attendance in Cabinet meetings.
As a previous occupant of this office once said, it's not what your country can do for you, it's what spare change you can send your President.
Vote Clinton '96: I really need the job. Thank you, and Good night.
Peter Jennings here. A truly amazing speech by the President. And now for the Republican response, we go to Senate Majority Leader Robert Dole, from his office in the captial. Senator Dole. He seems to be asleep. Senator Dole?
Yes. Bob Dole here. If you ask me, the President has been living off the taxpayers dime for too long. I say, cut the man off. If he can't pay his bills, chase him out into the street and beat him with sticks. Good Night.
Senator Dole? He seems to have fallen asleep again. This is Peter Jennings, from Washington. We now return you to "Boy Meets World" already in progress.
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