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Surreal Aptitude Test


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By Jason Schneider



(A) Vivacious::Transmission

(B) Presdgious: Carnage

(C) Feverish: Spindle

(D) Colloquial : Urine


(A) Quasar: Intestine

(B) Talk Radio: Plaster of Paris

(C) Apple: Pot hole

(D) Patriarch : Detergent

3. CAT: DOG::

(A) Filter: Suitcase

(B) French: Daffodil

(C) Bile: Hacksaw

(D) Pastel: Lasagna


(A) Harry: Seymore

(B) Gladys: Olga

(C) Adam: Eve

(D) Steam Roller: Pipe Organ


(A) Man: Watched

(B) Television: In

(C) A: Dark

(D) Living: Room.


1. A well balanced _____________ will make ___________ live a long life.

(A) corpse . . Johnny

(B) scale . . mollusks

(C) scaffold . . pastrami

(D) calliope . . grey matter

2. Dr. __________ took a(n) __________ __________ off a __________.

(A) Antenna . . pubic . . backpack . . croissant

(B) Kevorkian . . terrapin . . crawling . . collander

(C) Dr. . . prosthetic . . cliche . . Cuisenart

(D) Prostate . . shapely . . cherub . . parabola

3. "In the __________, God __________ Heaven and the Earth.

(A) bathroom . . furnished

(B) limousine . . ordained

(C) continuum . . partitioned

(D) DNA . . fathomed

4. Shopping malls are usually swarmed with angry rhinos carrying sharp objects.

(L) spinal fluid . . stamen

(R) bias . . dufigeon

(G) melanoma . . sky

(X) Knockwurst . . semi-colon


The art of television graphic design has been a fundamental component to the advancement of video technology. Never before have so many ants been seen in nationally protected forests and parks. According to experts, it is estimated that by the year 2000, children will be eating their lunches at a rate of 5.3 bites per second. However, recent studies have proven that skydiving is not a contagious disease.

All around the world, there has been a recent surge of electricity. Bob, ecstatic from hear about his heart condition, leaped into mid-sentence without proper warning. The neighbors found out about the prank and promptly called Sgt. Ofarms. Quickly, people started to gather around the large sphere. One little boy cried out, "This is not where my Tinker Toys Belong!" A hush fell in the audience. Prancine. "Somebody pick it up!," somebody shouted in the empty hall. Nobody moved. French bread stared to congeal in the corner. A door opened from out of the ceiling. Gargle wdl or ye shall reap the benefits of the holy gingerbreadman. Surely, the engino would start with proper command from headquarters. All was not well inside the refrigerator.

Suddenly, from out of the darkness, a large man wear ing a black hat, white tie, blue socks, turtle green underwear, and a button that read, "Call me Ishmael" emerged carrying a tapioca colored umbrella. As the train bound for a pair of sunglasses roared through the tunnel of ever lasting banality, the man started humming a slow rhythmic harmony that drove people from around the world set ting into a crazed frenzy of forward throbbing aggravation

"I guess I'll have to pay by credit card."

1. According to the passage, a collect call can only be made:

(A) if the red button marked "french tickler" is pushed in.

(B) if the Swiss bank account is insured by FDIC

(C) if all roads leading to Zion are blocked by the Cretes.

(D) if P.S. 123 has off for Mother's Day

2. Under what conditions can Francine find a new home:

(B) She regains insight.

(C) Venus aligns with Mars

(D) The man wearing the cap, stubs his toe on a quark

(A) Gozbeski beats Karinoff in the chess tournament

3. According to the passage, skiing is an exciting sport because:

(A) "Hey, who doesn't want to be in the army?"

(B) Jim Class gets out of jail today

(C) The drawer was filled with cobwebs and dust

(D) chocolate filled cream puffs make for an exciting sport.


Bobby likes to collect loose body parts. In one week, he collects molars, kidneys, testicles, and pinky fingers.

  • If the pinky finger comes from the same body as the molar, then Bobby wins the lottery.

  • If the testicle is larger than Bobby's, then the freight train runs five minutes late.

  • If the dog barks at midnight, then Bobby dines on his own intestine.

1. Given the scenario, which of the folowing is a possible sequence of events:

(A) The cuckoo bird lays a rotten egg when Bobby wakes up in the trunk of a sedan.

(B) Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy

(C) Cold fusion occurs on page 3 column 5 of the April 3 edition of the New York times.

(E) Bobby finds a Tiki statue, Greg has a surfing accident, Peter is threatened by a tarantula, and Alice throws her back out dancing the Hula.

2. If Bobby collects 2 kidneys, 5 molars and 1 testicle in the span of one hour, which of following can he also collect:

(A) 7 pounds of loose skin

(B) 5 golden rings, 4 mocking birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

(C) 4 sphincters, 8 ear drums, 12 eye sockets

(D) unemployment


1. Given the premises:

  • David has been stuck in time for 16 years.

  • Parsley is the preferred dinner garnish among North American restaurants.

  • Trampoline.

which of the following makes this a valid argument:

(A) David is parsley.

(B) Trampoline injuries are higher in Utah than in Nebraska.

(C) Brushing with fluoride greatly reduces the risk of lung cancer.

(D) Eating dinner first thing in the morning is actually called breakfast.

23. Given the following statements:

  • The sun has risen every morning for the past 6 million years.

  • There has not been a morning where the sun has not risen.

  • The world is only 4 million years old.

which of the following is not a possible conclusion:

(A) The sun will come out tomorrow . . .

(B) Here comes the sun

(C) It's a marvelous night for a moon dance

(D) You're no son of mine

3. Recent studies have found that reducing the amount of fat in one's diet has a negative effect on the body's ability to manufacture k-12 carbohydrates. Researchers have tested the effect of this on laboratory animals. When injected with fallocarplorite, monkeys loose control of their bowels. As a result, doctors recommend that people eat less foods that begin with the letter T.

The argument above assunes which of the following:

(A) p if and only if q

(B) Jesus was sacrificed on the cross

(C) Monkeys like antipasta, hold the olives

(D) Shake well before opening


1. ( x + 2x23 + xyz + [y - 11 x abcd = -n/345 = = [wrench]]=

(A) 2

(B) 46%

(C) -(i)

(D) [ [(1)] ] - x5 * 8 x 45,000x-X

(E) 3+2=6

2. If a train leaves for Toledo from the inside of a fireplace at the rate of 300 cattle per hour and Johnny loses electrolytes at the rate of 24kg per atomic half life, how long will it take for a colony of ants to carry 4 DNA molecules across the Sahara Desert?

(A) 6 light years (not including layover time)

(B) 102.5 WCRB

(C) 7 continents

(D) All of the above.

(E) Some of the above.

(F) None of the the above

(G) Both (D) and (F)

3. Given Garthwaite's equation for a four sided triangle, what is the molecular volume of this object:

(A) Pi

(B) 2.6fl.oz.

(C) 10!

(D) Worcestershire sauce

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